London Chronicles - The very beginning

I got my laptop today and I thought the first use of this implement is, after checking mails and letting my office know that I’m open for business, to pen down my new series of blogs on London life. I always had this dream that my blogs which are hardly read by anyone today, would one day be considered the pinnacle of literature and be published. Maybe pinnacle of literature is a bit too much (but given that Chetan Bhagat’s writings are considered awesome, I don’t see why mine might not be viewed as such) but published – oh yes…. Definitely they would be published and I would make tons of money in royalty and book rights and movie rights………. You get the drift, right. So if you wanted some sane reading, this is where you stop and find yourself maybe a Chetan Bhagat novel. But if you are one with a brave heart, then march on my friend…

I made the decision to look for employment abroad sometime in the mid of 2013. Considering that I actually didn’t get any calls from employment agencies or companies outside (not that I didn’t try), I decided to ask my employer if they would give me a chance. It did come as a surprise when they didn’t laugh their heads off at my request. After a couple of weeks of swinging between 2 continents, they decided that I shall keep the Queen company. Then started a whole bureaucratic process of getting approvals of everyone in the company – it almost seemed as if they would also need to speak to the Queen as to whether she would actually fancy my presence in her country. So after jumping through as many hoops as a circus lion would have to on a good day, my bosses (bless their souls for not giving up on this noble mission) let me know that I am good to go. This whole process took almost 3 months. The visa process was surprisingly quick - just four weeks end to end and before you knew it, I had my passport with a work visa stamped on it. Now there was no excuse to linger on. So a couple of days after I got my passport I was packed and ready to board a plane to relocate to London. I have always felt some bit of emotion when I left the country longish periods, especially after my daughter came along. This time though was different. It would be by far the longest period I would have stayed away from my daughter, it was a difficult state in which I left my parents – they had their own struggles and I added to their burden by having them take care of my kid, but for some reason, I didn’t cry this time around. Maybe a couple of tears when I kissed my daughter good bye in her sleep, but that was it. No thinking of it in the airport or on flight. I was genuinely looking forward to my new life… It was a new chapter and I was determined to enjoy it to the fullest.

So then, after I landed, I needed to get to Ilford, for that is where my company provided serviced apartments were. It cost me 110 quid to get here… so within a couple of hours of landing in UK, I had spent ~13% of the total money that I had on me. It was a drive that lasted nearly 2 hours in which time I had great company in form of Mr. Ahmed Munir, a very knowledgeable gentleman who gave me great tips on life in UK. He also told me that the drive wouldn’t have cost me more than £60 if I would have booked directly – great start to life in the UK. The apartment building for some reason didn’t have parking in front of it and so we were forced to park some distance away and there I was lugging away my suitcases and crossing 3 signals in whistling wind to get to the building. The apartment was well – for the lack of a better vocabulary spectacular – the views from the 22^nd floor were breathtaking.. it was like one of those full length posters with the bright lights of  New York or London skylines that people have on their walls except that in my case it was real. Sitting on the sofa looking out the floor to ceiling windows, I wished I drank alcohol; it seemed like the perfect moment to open the bubbly.

First visit to Sainsbury to get the essentials and I was disappointed – wonderful looking bananas, the only fruit that I actually enjoy, bought at £1.69, were rotten before I got them home. First day to office and I was disappointed, I was told I wouldn’t get a laptop for a week. So I went house hunting the next day – saw 7 houses in a day… didn’t remember one from another by the end but it was a good experience. I really didn’t see the point of seeing more houses, getting confused with more choices, so I put an offer on 3 houses. Now that offers were out, I needed to figure out a way to get some money to pay for set-up. The company recommended HSBC, they said they didn’t have an appointment till around 10 days later – an appointment to open a new bank account – and they wonder why their economy is not growing fast enough. I walk over to Natwest and they spend half an hour taking down my details only to tell me at the end of it that I would have to wait for a week before I got my account number. It was as if I had communicated the urgency of my situation to them in Malayalam and it got lost in translation. So I crossed the road and walked over to Lloyds. Now there is something to be said if a pure Brit bank actually steps on the gas and gets you an account in half an hour flat. So I walked back to office, a proud account holder of Lloyds Bank and was told by my HR team that I would actually get paid my salary in November. That was unexpected – good news. My offer was accepted after a bit of bargaining and to be honest, I was not sure if I was happy or not about it. The truth of the matter was I didn’t remember anything of the property, except it was supposed to have a small private garden out back. Now that I had a house, I decided to buy some basic furniture. So a visit to Ikea was warranted. It scared the living daylights out of me. Why would anyone want to go there and buy anything is beyond me – it looked like so much hard work. I missed India for the first time. So online shopping it was – before I discovered that my Indian credit card wouldn’t work on the website for some reason. So here I was stuck in London, one of the most expensive cities in the world, with my ever depleting stash of hard cash which I converted when I entered the country and no access to my own hard earned money. No credit card, no debit card and delays in getting money from India.. for the first time in more  than a decade I was at a stage that I may have to borrow money from someone… the mere thought of that was sickening. Borrowing from parents was ok, but total strangers that you met a couple of days back…. I just wished that it wouldn’t come to that. So I came up with a solution – a sleeping bag – that is what I would move into the new house with – it was fully carpeted and had heating… a sleeping bag should do just fine for starters. I had over 100kg of luggage coming from home in India, that would take care of the daily necessities. The house already had a fully fitted kitchen and wardrobes. So basically I was looking at a sofa set, a couple of beds, mattresses, dining chairs and a TV as additions. Given the pathetic quality of entertainment on display on TV in UK, getting the box  was actually not too high on my list – un understandable books by Mark Haddon seemed quite exciting in comparison. In due course I will get a debit card and I will start building up my home collection – converting a “rental property” to a home – slowly and steadily – the Brit way.

I have waxed eloquently about events and completely left out the other big thing in life - people. Considering that most of my interaction has been with folks from work, most of whom are Indian, it is a good feeling that you can speak Hindi in office while in UK. I also have spent my days thus far in Ilford which is heavily populated by Asians.. so all in all, I have seem more Asians in UK (in Ilford, in the serviced apartment, in trains, tubes, streets -  surprisingly low number of Chinese looking people) than I have seen whites or more specifically White Brits. Most whites I have seen are Polish, Russians, Spanish – all variety… it is quite a good feeling that the city is so inclusive. But you do sense an underlying frustration in London. This feeling is more pronounced in packed trains and tubes than anywhere I have been till now. It is quite simple really. You can’t unveil any of your discomfort without actually blaming it on someone else. In closed quarters like the tube most of these “someone else” are always from a different race, country, religion or of a different colour and being a inclusive city or being expected to be a more inclusive city like the new mayor of London  expressed a couple of days back, if everytime a Brit felt uneasy and went around complaining, you would have fist fights almost all the time. We have it in India too, Maharashtrians blame the Madrasis for taking all their jobs who blame the Gujjus for being so loud mouthed who blame the Bengalis for being so lazy who blame the Punjabis for being so boisterous and of course everyone blames the Muslims and the bhaiiyyas…. But at the end of it – it is our country – by birth, by right, by ancestry and we – despite our differences are all Indian. Its different when an Indian shouts at another – it’s all within the “family”.. London is trying very hard to be a family, but it comes across as a foster home – a very good, kind and generous one, don’t get me wrong, but it’s just not home. 

Obviously I have been in the country for all of 8 days, so what do I know.....

Driving for dummies

I got my LMV (light motor vehicle) driving license in 2002 – a good decade back. It’s only since the last 5-6 days that I’ve actually been taking my new car to my office and have a sense of actually driving. For people accustomed to the Indian car market and road conditions – I used to own a Tata Indica and now have a Tata Nano. I tried taking the Indica about 5 years back, but was not too confident or comfortable. That stint lasted for exactly a week at the end of which I realized that I was better off just bargaining with the auto drivers and then sitting back comfortably for the rest of the journey.

But with the new car a lot has changed. I think it has to do majorly with a few factors:

·         It is a new car and I bought it for full cash. So the fact that it just stands there and rots is bound to cause you tremendous pain. So you will take the car out just so that you feel you haven’t wasted your hard earned money.

·         It is relatively cheap – it must be the cheapest car in the Indian market currently @ 2.67L fully loaded and on road. The biggest fear of a novice driver is that they will bump the car. With a car which is so cheap, the heartache caused by a bump is not too painful. Of course, you have to be prepared for the fact that there will be a few dents and scratches before you could graduate to a better / bigger car.

·         It is really small – and hence is quite easy to maneuver. In my view if an auto can get into a gap, so can a Nano. For a novice driver who doesn’t have mastery over steering control, this is a very big boon as a small change in direction really doesn’t cause much disruption on road. But you do have to be careful and have to look at the mirrors when you try this.

With my new found confidence in driving ( and I’m writing this at 6 days into my driving stint), I thought I could share a few tips and tricks for those who have licenses, technically know how to drive but are scared of practical application of their knowledge.

1.       Get familiar with the car – how to operate the windows, the signals, the wipers etc. Will give you some sense of comfort. Ask someone who has operated the car before about pickup. Nano is not a very powerful car, so when you try driving it after you have driven a 1.2 cc or 1.6 cc car, you are bound to have a lot of trouble keeping it from shutting down in the middle of the road because you expect it to behave like the more powerful car. So knowing how much gas should you press, when and how much to let the clutch go etc are things that you will obviously get to know when you drive, but it is always safe to get a sense of these factors from experienced folks.

2.       Practice while still – The biggest challenge that most people face is shifting gears. So practice with the car switched off. Just keep shifting gears, try all possible combinations – in normal order 1-2-3-4 and back, then jump between gears, 4^th to 2^nd, 3^rd to 1^st etc. Don’t forget neutral and reverse – very important gears indeed.

3.       Drive on empty roads – find a stretch of road close to your house where you can practice. Try shifting gears, going for a long distance in 1^st gear at really low speeds, imitating bumper to bumper traffic i.e. stopping and then going a few feet and starting again. If possible find a stretch with an incline and practice stopping and moving ahead on this. This is extremely critical and one of the most commonly used skills on Indian roads where leveled roads are extremely hard to find.

4.       Find a friend to drive with you – when you do these practice sessions, get someone whom you trust (not necessarily someone who knows driving) to sit with you on the passenger seat. This person will give you confidence that in case something happens you are not alone and also can be a good sounding board. Avoid know it all kind of friends who try correcting everything you do or the ones who will undermine your confidence i.e. who tell you to go uber slow, keep extreme left and at the 1^st sign of trouble tell you that you are not ready

5.       Go on familiar roads at early hours – When I decided to take my car to office, I took it for a trial run to my office on a Sunday at 7.30 am. What this did is made me familiar with the road, give me confidence that I can do it (even if it is at very minimal traffic conditions) and make me aware of common mistakes that I commit – jumping over speed breakers, slowing without shifting gears, moving on inclines etc. Be sure to take your friend with you.

6.       Start driving – make up your mind to take the car to office or some place that you frequent. Start early. I used to leave home at 7 am for the 1^st 3 days. Even at 7 am on working days there would be medium traffic. I remember the 1^st day when my left leg (the one on the clutch) shivered in fear the whole way through a busy stretch. I also remember that the car stopped in the middle of the road at least half a dozen times. Don’t let this deter you. Do this for a few days – start early from home and office. This really gets your confidence high!

7.       Find your leader – When you are just starting to drive, my biggest advice on getting it right in traffic, especially unruly / unorganized traffic is find a vehicle in front of you (preferably one without a L board) and follow it closely. The vehicle in front of you will do the navigation for you, all you need to do it follow it closely and not allow anyone else to come between you. For those few hundred meters, this vehicle is your best friend.

8.       Use the mirrors – I always knew technically how to drive. But I had zero road sense. I have never really used the mirrors effectively before. I realized in the last few days, that looking at the mirrors is actually required. I am yet to learn how to effectively use the passenger side mirrors but I believe it will come in time.

9.       Don’t be bothered – Don’t be bothered by small things – small dents, scratches etc. Also ensure that you never try multi-tasking while driving – don’t pick calls (put your phone on silent to avoid distraction), don’t try changing music channels etc.. Remember you are still learning and have your hands full just keeping the car on the road and keeping yourself alive.

10.   Measure yourself – if there are speed breakers that you jumped over yesterday, evaluate what you did wrong and try to do better today. You will realize that everything which looked like a big uphill task on day 1 start slowly getting demystified by day 3-4.

11.   Don’t worry about fuel efficiency – Nano is supposed to give a mileage of ~20KM/L in city traffic. My last full tank of petrol gave me around 16. I am good with that. There are a lot of inefficiencies when you are learning. For ex: the whole stretch of nearly a kilometer and half which is the most crowded on my way to and from office, I drive the vehicle in 1^st gear. An experienced driver would effortlessly shift between gears, but I’m still building confidence. My aim is to keep my vehicle moving… so there will be some loss of fuel, but it is collateral damage in your effort to be a good driver – it’s an investment.

12.   Build courage but don’t be stupid – slowly try and take the car out at medium traffic times or to reasonably congested areas to build your confidence. But beware of being over confident. Remember, you are still learning – don’t try tricks like weaving between vehicles, speeding, driving with one hand, overtaking from the left etc. These are dangerous in the best of circumstances and can land the best of drivers in trouble. You are easy bait.

Hopefully  these practical tips will be useful for all those new, under confident drivers out there.

Staying current – why and how?

I hate to admit it, but till a couple of months back, my news updates were limited to Bollywood updates on The Times of India. Then I attended a couple of leadership training programs and realized that no matter how good I am with people, how witty I am, how well I do my work, I will never stay ahead of the curve if I don’t know “my stuff”. Understanding that knowledge is power and working towards gaining that power and using it to excel in my job, garner respect and increase my circle of influence, was my key take way from these training sessions.


So, I got down to knowing my stuff. I am proud to say that I have consistently kept up with my plan for a month now, which is way longer than any health regime that I ever undertook.

So for those of you out there like me, let me give you a few tips on how you can “know your stuff”.

What exactly is your stuff?

There is so much information out there – so what do you want to know? It can be very confusing and many a times very overwhelming to identify what should you be aware of, what should you be an expert on and what should you completely ignore. So sit down and make a list:

• What you should be aware of –

These are generally news, topics of general discussions and topics which will help you to start a conversation. Browse through headlines of a couple of national and international newspapers. Read in detail any news item that catches your interest. Make a conscious effort to read atleast a couple of articles other than ones pertaining to the entertainment and sports section. Go through your company’s website or your main clients’ websites to see if there are any interesting updates. In today’s world finance and technology are big conversation starters. Again don’t try to be an expert, but glance though dailies which give you updates on these.

Now that you are aware of things, try using them in conversations. Start small, maybe at home over the dinner table or with your colleagues over lunch. The transition to a similar conversation with a boss or a client is then very smooth. This basically tells the listener that you are “aware”. You are interested in and know about the world that you live in.

• What you should ignore –

This is a tricky one. You need to be careful that you do not miss out on important updates, but you should also not waste your time reading every word that has been printed. So how do you find that balance? In my view, these are topics in which you are not interested at all AND (and this is a very big and) which do not impact your work and life – for ex: I had heard some time back that Einstien’s theories would be disproved or something to that effect. Even if I read tons of articles on it, am not sure I would understand what is being discussed, neither am I interested. Similarly cases of corruption in India are so rife that to waste my time trying to understand the schematics of each would be depressing. So I just tell myself – “that’s another bunch of my tax money down the drain” and go on with life. Some important facts like who is the PM and which party is ruling, I know from the above section – the rest anyway doesn’t impact me on a daily basis, so I don’t waste time trying to follow up. But if there are topics that you are not interested in, but you need to know for your work, then they become part of the third bucket.

• What you should be an expert on?

Being an expert on Sachin Tendulkar’s cricket stats is of no use unless you are a sports analyst, commentator etc. But might be important to you as every ton of his causes you personal ecstacy. So in my view, you should be an expert on two things:

o Things you are passionate about

o Things you need to know to make you successful at your workplace

For some fortunate people both these coincide with each other; but for most mortals they are different. I am passionate about travel, fiction books and American crime series (no shame in admitting). None of them get my job done. What I need to know to get my job done and done well are auditing standards, corporate governance frameworks, updates in accounting world, regulatory updates etc. None of them are half as much fun as CSI series….But I need to keep myself updated. So how do I do that? A few tips that worked for me are:

o Link this knowledge acquisition to something at work –

Decide to write a paper or contribute to your official website once every two months on a new development or decide to take a training on a new topic every month. Put these as a part of your KRA. Believe me, unless there is an actual impact, at least initially, you will more often than not find an excuse to not do it. You will find that once you get into a habit of keeping yourself updated, it comes naturally. It no longer is “forced” – its “natural”.

o Find interesting sources –

Reading official websites is boring – they are very informative, no doubt, but they are normally very drab. So find interesting blogs on the topic, be part of discussion forums, read new letters / monthly magazines. I subscribe to magazines from ISACA, IIA and ACFE.. they are amazing and interesting sources of information and they come only once a month, so I spent less than 8-10 hours a month reading them. A typical work month has 160 – 180 hours, we are talking of less than 10% of the total time – surely you can find that time.

o Use commute time –

I subscribe to most magazines online and have added the list of websites that I regularly browse as favourites. On my way to and from office daily, with FM playing loud Bollywood music in my years, I put my smartphone to good use – I read on the way. Two hours daily of being stuck in traffic being put to building my knowledge base!! I have to thank the government for this indirect investment they make in me by not repairing roads and solving traffic congestions. No more compliants of no time to read....

o Have an opinion and share it -

Do what I’m doing. Write a blog, tweet about new developments, update your linkedin page with comments on relevant topics. The funny thing is every one has an opinion on everything. So when you share your opinions and views on social media , you are bound to get a lot of comments. To stand your ground, you need to KNOW YOUR STUFF!

Try these simple tips and see if they help you. Remember you need to keep at it – knowledge acquisition is akin to breathing, you stop – you die.

Working from home – Do’s and Don’ts

With globalization taking over corporate life and employees seeking to balance work across time zones and their personal lives, companies are increasingly promoting the use of “work from home” as an incentive to keep employees motivated and also bring down infrastructure costs associated with having employees in an office. There are many businesses which maintain an office purely for skeletal staff and administrative purposes, but have almost 100% of employees working from their homes. While whether this is a good practice from an employee connect perspective or not is a topic for another discussion. What I have tried to list down in this article are a few essential do’s and don’ts while working from home. These are drawn purely from personal experience as I myself work extensively from home.


1. Set expectations clear

Most people who work from home do so because of personal reasons / commitments – health, kids etc. So communicate those reasons upfront to your employer. Discuss black out periods, when you will not be available; back up plans for those times, specific deliverables / KPI’s etc; so that your employer is aware of when you are available and what to expect from you.

2. Plan your day

Like any day at office, plan your day even when working from home. If you have to drop your kids to school, pick them up, chauffer them for extra curricular activities, bake those times into your daily schedule and plan meetings around them. When you have immovable deadlines; plan your day in such a way that you either start the day early or stretch at night, have someone to cover for the some of your personal errands etc.

3. Get the right infrastructure

Get a good high speed broad band connection, an external camera, power backup (if you are in cities like Pune, Bangalore which are plagued by power cuts) etc. Even if your company doesn’t pay for all or part of these, consider these to be your investment for the work-life balance that you are striving for. This will ensure that you are able to work effectively, do F2F meetings if required on skype etc.

4. Get the schematics right

This includes your work space and your work attire. Believe you me – when you are dressed professionally, you sub consciously start acting professionally. Being dressed in boxer shorts and an old T gives you a feeling of casualness. This may not be appropriate for most lines of business and may subtly hinder your work process. Similarly sitting plomped n your couch with TV on or on your bed with a pack of chips next to you will have the same effect. Obviously dressing up in a 3 piece suit when at home would be extreme; unless of course you are having a video conference with senior stakeholders in which case it may be warranted. But have a work desk ready with required office paraphernalia – pens, post it’s, note pads, chargers etc. Dress in comfortable casuals – even a fresh pair of jeans and a formal shirt would do the trick.

5. Be available when you say you will be

Log into your office messenger service or Lync etc when you start your day and show that you are available. Be prompt in responding to calls, emails like you would when you are in office. When you leave your computer, put an appropriate status message on the office communicator to indicate when you will be back. Use the time you are online effectively for productive official work – anything else in my view would be downright unethical and a breach of trust that your organization has placed on you.

These in my view are a few basics that would be a good foundation to productively deliver from home. Would love your views if there are any other factors that have worked for you.

Australia.....

I’ve been in Sydney for 4 weeks now. As is my norm, I want to write about the place, the people, the culture and everything in between. So here goes…..

Honestly speaking - there isn’t a lot of soul to the place. The place is steeped in history – both old and new. New history would be the European settlement – that’s just a couple of hundred years old. The old history is really old - Aboriginal people are the oldest people after Africans. Inspite of this, neither history really comes alive or has a place of its own in Sydney. Everything seems new. Everywhere you look there are banks and hotels. There are a lot of Asians in Australia – Indian sub-continenters, South East Asians, Chinese… they are everywhere. They actually are everywhere..so no surprise that they are found dime a dozen in Sydney. Australians I have met till now are neither snobbish nor warm. I guess they are very “big city folk” like – you would expect the same from people in NY or Mumbai. The one big surprise is their occasional disregard for traffic signals – mainly the pedestrians. And the best part is that, its not always the Asians breaking the law.. its normally locals. So you would see people jay walking, jostling each other when in line etc. You even hear honking fairly regularly. The trains are not clinically hygienic, they are sometimes crowded. Safety is not too much of a concern. I live at Potts Point, near Kings Cross. For the uninitiated, Kings Cross is Sydney’s so called red light area. Four weekends here including a Christmas and no untoward incidents of any kind. We sometimes see crazy folks on the train.. guys who are either genuinely crazy of high on something. Hey, we are Indians – we are used to all kinds of crazy.Lots of options to eat – for once I won’t starve, maybe reduced to begging due to the prices, but won’t starve. I’ve had samosas, dal chawal and roti subji and all very close to what they would taste back at home.

All in all, an Indian would feel quite at home except for one thing – the prices.

Have you ever tried googling – Why is Australia so… and the first option that comes is “expensive”. The main reason documented reason is that they are too far from the rest of the world, so they have high importing costs and as they don’t have as many illegal immigrants as US of A, their labour costs are high. So a normal meal costs around 8 bucks, coffee costs 3 bucks, prices on boxing day after 50-80% reductions are in 3 digits (so they are all “fraud sales” as a colleague articulated). Public transport is reasonably priced. The good thing is that shops close at 5pm. Considering that we don’t get out of office before 6, we really don’t have much chance of spending any money as it is.

The two things that stand out about Australians is sense of style and their healthy lifestyle. Both the men and women in general are drop dead gorgeous. They are tall, slim, muscular, well groomed, even better dressed and basically put us to shame with their bearing. And they all exercise. It is very difficult to find an unfit Australian – if there are obese people, they would be Asian, Italian or Spanish. A lot of folks jog to work, jog back home, cycle up and down the street, swim, surf, hike, walk and pretty much do a lot of stuff that we are unused to. They spend a lot of time with family. Go to any beach and you would see the entire family out – a mom, a dad, 3-4 kids of varying ages, their regular baggage et al. But still they enjoy themselves. It is a common sight to see a mom teaching swimming to a baby girl, or a dad teaching a young boy to surf or for young boys playing rugby or football on the beach. 

It’s a refreshing change after seeing our families where we don’t have time for each other – don’t have time to talk let alone do something fun or “outdoorsy”.

Motherhood chronicles - Abandonment

That’s what my kid is going though….

I just came back from Kerala and will not see her for more than 2 months. She lives with my parents.

Why ?– because I thought that was what was best for her.

How is being away from ones parents best for the kid? – Because I don’t have the time to look after her..

Why? – because I am busy earning money

For what? So that I can provide for her

Provide what ? Goddammit – I don’t know.

When she was little… it didn't matter who she was with. My parents love her very much – possibly my mom loves her more than I could do myself – maybe even more than she loves me. So the kid is in  very good hands. Loving grandparents who are ready to set aside their lives for her. They have their whole day and night tailored to her schedule. My dad is tied to the house because of her, my mom has not slept a proper nights sleep since she was born. They are so attached to her that it would kill them literally if I separated her from them.

So why do it? – Because she has started recognizing me. She realizes that I am her mother. She looks at me with unadulterated love and affection. She is so insecure that I am going to leave her that she clings to me when she sees me. I keep “visiting” her and each time leave without saying goodbye after 3-4 days. This time around, she knew… she knew right from the time she saw me that I was going to leave her.

What does it do to a kids psyche to know that her mom will eventually leave her?

I never say good bye. Why? Because I don’t want to create a scene. She asks for me once and then goes back to playing – at the tender age of 18 months she has to resign to fate. It never was a problem – but now it is – it rests in her sub conscious mind. She replays it at night. Doesn’t sleep – is disturbed. Keeps repeating – “amma poyi”, “renu poyi”. Is any amount of money worth this pain that I am causing her?

Is my career worth it? There is always the cliché response.. your kid only needs you for a few years and then they are independent. You loose out on opportunities if you compromise in those few years… It really doesn’t matter – they are little.. they don’t remember.

Bullshit – each of these excuses is bull shit.

I hate myself for knowing all this and still going through with my choice. I weep as I write this and still get ready for a 2 month trip abroad. To a place from where it would take me 24 hours to get to her…

And my excuse… I am doing it for her.. for her future. What a bloody mess……and no one to blame but me.

Everyday Egypt

The strong smell of cigarette smokes is the first thing that I notice when I enter the Air Egypt flight from Dubai to Cairo. Considering how stereotypical we can be, my first thought was this is some 3^rd world arab airline…. I would be surprised if they even have inflight entertainment.. maybe they have one TV for the whole airplane and maybe the flight attendants are all male or women in burkhas…. I know this is cliché, but I admit I actually thought that. So I was pleasantly surprised when the flight had a good in flight entertainment system better than Air Austria, Lufthansa, even Air France…The food wasn’t great but then vegetarian fare in non-Indian flights is anyway pathetic. The flight attendants had a modern uniform – comparable to any western airline and the service was great. Then when I land in Cairo – the ubiquitous cigarette smell welcomes me. There is a representative from my client who is waiting for me to expedite my passage through immigration. I actually thought he was going to slip in money in my passport or something… at least in India I have had a couple of instances of this when I tried to renew my passport etc…. slip a 500 rupee note and the hawaldar says everything will be taken care of. But nope, no secret handshake or note exchange – maybe it happened before I arrived or maybe it is like a monthly hafta. That is one notion that I am not ready to let go of – misery loves company and if Egypt is not as corrupt as India is, then Indians have a lot to worry about. This is the only one airport I have seen in my well travelled life where smoking is not prohibited.. people light up on will. I collect my baggage and the meet and greet guy leads me outside to the car. 

It seems so much like getting out of the airport in Hyderabad  - the lay of the land, the climate.. of the airports in India that I have seen, Hyderabad is the closest that I can compare to Cairo. Then on the ride to the hotel, the roads suddenly widen up and I get the feeling of being on the roads in Gurgaon…wide well lit roads with really fast and reckless drivers…. Something tells me that I am going to feel very much at home in the land of pyramids.

I am accompanied on this trip by two Americans, both from Houston, Texas. The male, lets call him Jim, confesses during the lunch break that sitting in the front seat of the car alongside the driver gave him the jeebies…. So I volunteered, don’t know what the fuss was all about, people being reckless, overtaking from the wrong side, potholes, honking, accidents along the roadside.. hey this was home base for me.

On the way to office, we would pass though areas of massive construction – buildings upon buildings, hundreds if not thousands of them – all unfinished and all empty. Given that Egypt is basically a desert, the whole underconstruction scene gives the place a pretty dreary and desolate look. Apparently due to the economy not doing too great, courtesy the recent revolution, money is tight. The apartments are quite expensive – say 300 to 500 K EGP (an Egyptian Pound is actually 9 times stronger than the Rupee – didn’t know that before I came here). 

When you go downtown, it is hard to differentiate the landscape from what you would see in any metro in India… the scene is replete with trash on the roads, clothes hanging off balconies, animals on the roads, huge sewers and even the occasional black and yellow autorickshaw. The vehicles on the roads - at least a lot of the cars are the same. I saw a Maruti 800, many Omnis, all variants of Hyundai from Santro to Verna to i30, lots of Camrys and Corollas, hundreds of Chevys... in fact the only brands I didn't see were Tata and Mahindra. The trucks were all Mercedes and Chevy, though they were pretty much in the same run down state that most of our Tata and Leyland trucks at home are. You can see people riding on the flatbed of autos, trailers and everything in between. This is also the first place outside India where I have seen people on Mobikes without helmets.

The people are warm, I feel safer with a driver here than I would with a driver in Delhi, but that is most probably a misplaced sense of security as our client sponsors the vehicle or the 5 star hotel at which I am staying sends it's drivers. I am sure such drivers in India would also be safe and dependable. It's the ones in the flag down taxis which you may want to think twice about.

This is my first visit to a middle eastern / Arabic / African country.. though Egypt feels more middle eastern than African. I haven't even been to Dubai and for a Malayalee that is indeed a great shame. But nevertheless, the one thing I was totally unprepared for are the ladies. I have never seen more beautiful women in my life. They are covered head to toe, but not in a penguin sort of way that most Muslims do (and I do mean to offend religious sensibilities here), but very tastefully. I have thus far met only one woman who doesn't cover her head with a hijab. The hijab always matches the dress that they wear - something like the duppatta in Indian lifestyle. All women are always in full sleeved clothes - shirts, t-shirts, tops, suits and anything else that would constitute upper torso clothing. They always have full skirts or pants covering their lower torso. So technically they are covering their whole body and are modestly dressed, but my oh my - are they stylish (and not in an Armani or Gucci kind of way, but just that they have so much grace and poise) and gorgeous or what. I wouldn't mind marrying 5 of them myself (this time I mean no offense to any one). They are extremely well educated, well spoken, profession and confident. Hope the whole Muslim world takes their example and brings women upto their standards.

                      All in all… being in Egypt is not all that different from being at home – even the language is not a challenge.. in a country like India where we pride ourselves on the hundreds of languages that we can speak.. Arabic is just one among them to me…

Writing on Writers

I think I have an eye for spotting talent - especially writers... not in a scout kind of way, but being someone who can sense the next big thing.

I remember writers who I read before they became "hot".
I read 5.someone long before Chetan Bhagat became India's GenXYZ writer and I thought this guy is amazing - he should write more.. in fact a lot of credit goes to Bhagat for spurring me to give Indian authors a chance. Before him, I was pretty much limted to Archer, Forsyth, Cook, Brown etc...Though I still think he has potential, consistency is not his forte. 5 point was followed by 2 books which if possible should have all copies worldwide picked off shelves and burnt for fuel.. maybe we can distribute these copies to the poor villagers of Bihar and UP in lieu of firewood, that way they would at least serve some purpose. But then he came up with 2 states which though completely stereotypical was a great read... I am definitely dreading his next release. History says that it would be something that could potentially serve as alternate fuel for the next couple of  years.


I read White Tiger by Adiga - in fact bought in in hard cover for 500 bucks long before it won the Man Booker and the price shot up ridiculously...I though here is a writer who doesn't gloss over the things that we as Indians think every moment and if given a chance (and a loophole to get away with murder) would actually do. Indian psyche was brutally uncovered and exposed for what it really is in the book. The good thing about Adiga is unlike Bhagat - he doesn't proclaim to be writing for masses and then write crap books which can easily be turned into Bollywood screenplays. He has consistently remained true to his core strength - his ability to understand and lay bare the innermost insecurities and psychologies of an Indian. His latest - Last Man in Tower is a classic example of his consistency.

I picked up a copy of "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett and when I finished it, I actually imagined making a movie with Whoppie Goldberg & Queen Latifah somewhere in it. Surprise surprise, there is not only a movie made (though they didn't take my casting suggestions), it actually gets an Oscar and become a box office success. When I read the book, there was so much latent talent that was palpable, that you knew instantly that she would be the next best thing. The book is not perfect.. the characters could have a lot more depth, the story could have more flow - if you had to nitpick you would have ample opportunities, but there was no denying the powerhouse that this writer could be.

Then there are writers like Mukul Deva and Amish who come with a spectacular first book - almost flawless and I know that they are doomed. When you start at the top there is no where else to go but down. The Immortals of Meluha was superb - there are a thousand superlative adjectives that I can use to describe that book (if I had that wide a vocabulary). The secret of Nagas was good and I'm frankly not looking forward to the 3rd book for the fear that it may be just average. When I read "Lashkar" I knew that this is no literary genius - but definitely an Indian Fredrick Forsyth, sans the English literature skills. So I also knew that the writer obviously can't write other that what he know - he was in the Indian army for 15 years and unless he writes a patriotic book about the Kargil war (which might still find a few takers), his career as a writer is pretty much over.

Surprise packages are folks like Parul Sharma whose delightfully funny book on Vasu or Judy Balan whose reverse take on 2 states etc offer a quick and soothing read. They may not have the potential to write stuff which top the NY bestsellers list, but they definitely have enough to keep the Indian readers engaged and interested.


Then there are books like E, E2, Then we Came to an end - which are completely whacko... they are so eccentric and idiosyncratic that it would be difficult for the writer to sustain that style of writing for long, but doesn't mean that they won't write again. But when they do, they would have to change their style and that's where the test lies to see if they can sail through as effortlessly as they did within their comfort zones.

Current favorite is a guy called Sidin Vadakut who pens a lot of stuff in blogs and such. I went through those writings but didn't find them half as impressive as his novels - the Dork Series. Am waiting for the 3rd in the series (if he plans one) with bated breath. He has meanwhile signed non-fiction book deals with Rupa.... how do I know that - he updated his FB status and he is on my friends list - not looking forward to those either.
 

Perceptions

Is it worth trying to change perceptions that people create in their minds about you? Normally my answer would be “no”. There are 6 billion people in the world and each of those 6 billion is entitled to their opinions about everything – including you. But what made me write about this topic was perceptions which have been created about me in my workplace. I’ve been with my current organization exactly for 4 years today and very much to my surprise, I haven’t hated it enough to quit. Infact I have quite enjoyed most parts of it. For the last one and a half years I’ve pretty much been home bound – pregnancy and child birth have kept me home… Though I’m not naive and I had some inkling of my general perception within my peer group, I was still taken aback at the severity of the negative perceptions that my colleagues have developed against me. I was thought of as a prolific “ass-licker” – some one who leaves no stone unturned in licking my bosses ass to get up the corporate ladder. There were some nasty comments around my absence on maternity, my workload when I was back from maternity, questions around my actual work – both quality and quantity etc.. What shocked me – and I thought I was impervious to such gossip – was a comment by an unnamed co-worker “ Did she think she was doing a favour by taking calls when she was pregnant – if getting pregnant earns better ratings, then we could all go that way”. A lot of these negative vibes were generated after I got an unexpectedly good rating at office for my mid year performance. Even I was shocked with the rating as I was out of action for almost 2 months of the 6 and even when I was in action, I was working limited hours. So I would be justified in attributing most of these comments to pure professional jealousy. But then given that this is human nature and that I need to continue working here and work with these same people, should I actually have a go at trying to mend my reputation. If yes, how do I go about this onerous and self demeaning task? I guess I have my answer – if I think of the task as self demeaning – something which I think if I engage in will make me lose respect for myself, then it’s not worth it. I’m no Mother Teresa or Aung San Suu Kyi – I don’t stand for ideals or higher causes, in fact am quite an inward focused person who pays little heed to ongoings around me, except in case they actually impact my immediate life and family. But I do have an enormous amount of self respect which many a times is misconstrued as arrogance… but I’ve always been proud of myself. Should I quit while I’m ahead, start afresh in a new place with a clean slate – where I always have the risk of my past reputation catching up with me or should I stay put, fight it out and have these same people reverse their opinions of me? Come to think of it – do I actually care what they think of me? Obviously I do and apparently enough to have me write about it – so I’m disturbed by it. So should my focus be to try and not be perturbed by such shoptalk or should it be to take these as “developmental feedback” and work upon them? I still can’t figure out what to do… so I have decided that the simple course of action is to do nothing.. let life take it’s natural course – let me take one day, one person, one comment at a time as it comes at me and deal with the way the circumstances play themselves out and hope that I can do right without losing too much of myself in the bargain.

Back in Circuit

It’s been a long time since I travelled internationally… 18 months to be exact. A lot’s transpired in life since the last time I set foot back in India from Erie, which had become almost a second home, thanks to me spending 3 months in the sleepy town and actually loving most of my stay there.

So when I decided to go back to Erie for a couple of days with a trip to Boston thrown in, I expected it to be tiring – whatever else it may turn out to be – tiring was one thing it surely would be.. 3 days spent in flights and airports for meetings which were cumulatively around 3-4 hours at the max. But then that was the nature of the job and it had to be done. So, no regrets.

I went to office the first day and met an old acquaintance who got up from his seat, came ahead and gathered me in a bear hug – my heart warmed. We asked about each others’ families, kids – we knew that business had to be discussed and dealt with – but that could wait. In today’s day and age where everything is to the point – even conversations with your spouse are limited to stuff that need to get done.. in such a world, the fact that a guy that I was meeting after a year and a half of which almost a year had gone by without much communication, was genuinely happy to see me was evidence enough to attest that human touch was still alive and throbbing….

After a couple of days in Erie, I moved onto Boston where I had to meet another acquaintance, who again was out of sight and out of mind for a long time…. He greeted me with and of course – a hug it was. Over a “business lunch” where more lunch was had and more Boston was discussed than business, we spoke as old friends would, bantering and bickering, laughing and joking and the jet lag, the fact that I was struck in the middle of nowhere and completely snowed in…. all that was suddenly forgotten and the trip was worth it… even if I didn’t get him to sign a dotted line and give me business – it was worth it. When I gave him something I had picked up for me at Mumbai airport (the fact that I picked it up at the airport shows how much thought went into it), there was genuine affection in his eyes.

This trip was turning out to be a huge morale booster for me, in more ways than I could imagine.

The feather to the cap was my trip around Boston. The day I decided to see Boston was the day that it started snowing at 7 am and predictions were that the snowing would continue till around 5 pm. So I called a cabbie who had chauffeured me a couple of days back from Boston Airport to Billerica to drop me back at the airport. He ended up giving me a round trip of downtown Boston – he showed me whatever he could, given the weather, kept up a constant commentary of the sights and people and peculiarities. A 26 year old Jordanian by birth – looking much elder than that, the youngest of 15 kids, with a nephew who was 1 and a half years elder than him, his family ran a convenience store in downtown Boston and he had been driving a cab for 4months.

What made me trust this stranger enough to trust 3-4 hours of my life with him, I don’t know. He could have easily cheated me, harmed me, done a lot of unthinkable stuff…. But instead I ended up having a really good ride and engaging conversation with a stranger whom I would most probably never meet again in my life.. very much like my driver in Venezuela who showed me around and managed to have a conversation with me without him knowing English and me speaking no Spanish.


I have time and again been reminded by life that humanity and decency still inhabit our lives… we just have to open our hearts and arms to welcome it.

The Motherhood Chronicles - VI

People say being a mother is a full time job – I beg to differ, it’s not just a full time job, it’s a full life job. Never has this been more evident to me than during the last stages of my pregnancy and now – after my delivery.

My mom has not been a person in the best of her health. Suffering from asthma, any work load greater than her normal day to day activities takes a severe toll on her. Of the few things she cherished in her life were her morning and evening walks, her afternoon nap and her freedom to do minimal cooking for dinner.

Then came along Nandu and the best laid plans went awry. Now 24 hours is too less for my mom. She get up at around 5 a.m., or lets put it another way, she doesn’t sleep at night – taking care of the baby – feeding her, rocking her to sleep, changing her…..she makes breakfast and lunch and is off to work by 7 am. She comes back and somehow there is always work to be done at home, which she does. The only luxury she has now is a 3-4 hour sleep (which is all she has in 24 hours) in the afternoon, which is also normally disturbed by the baby-related happenings in the house.

For someone who falls sick at a slight increase in activities, my mom seems to be in good health. But I know that it’s all appearances. She is reaching into the innermost recesses of her will power and gaining strength to carry, literally bringing up my kid in a way that inconveniences me the least and gives me time and strength to get on with my life.

For someone who kept saying that “people should take care of their own kids themselves and not let the grandparents do the caring”, her actions completely belie her beliefs. The amount of love, affection and care she has for the kid, I’m afraid even I won’t be able to compete.

Then there is the man behind the woman. My dad is like the silent unsung hero of a war. The amount of work my dad does behind the curtains is unbelievable. In fact it is only because of this unwavering wall of support that my mom can lean on, is she able to carry on. He cooks, runs all the errands for the house, takes care of the kid when mom & I are resting and then some, things that he was unable to do for me, he does for my kid.

When I see how I and my husband deal with each other and generally with life, I feel sorry for Nandu, for she will never experience the love and support that I have.

The Motherhood Chronicles - V

Now that the kid is almost 3 months old, she has grown onto us. Everything is about her, every decision is taken after checking its effect on her, every body's comfort is sacrificed for hers and everyones life is kept aside for hers. Inspite of all this, when she looks at you with those round eyes full of innocence and maybe even unadulterated love - not knowing who you are, how you look, not judging you - simply delighted that you exist and she is with you - all is forgotten. The sleepless nights, the petty inconveniences, the fact that you suddenly lost out your spot as the family's favourite child. All that remains embedded in your conscience is that look and the fact that you could do anything to keep that look as it is today.

When parents tell their children that you will realise what it is to be a parent only when you become one, believe me, no child is ever prepared for what is going to hit them - both the good and the bad. The fact that you lose all of your freedom, the fact that a small travel requires a trainload of the kid's stuff to be lugged around, the fact that you are perpetually covered in pee and vomit and the fact that this human life totally depends on you for its existence - the responsibility, the power of it all.... its overwhelming like no other experience.

But when I sit back and think, I really wonder, why we have kids? A couple of days back there was a blast in Mumbai - some 25 people lost their lives, a hundred or so were injured. Its not about Mumbai, it happens everywhere. Then there is the everyday occurance of rape, child molestation which you hope and pray and do everything in your power to ensure doesn't befall your loved ones. Somewhere down the line you yourself crush your childs dreams and turn her into a machine who is supposed to top in everything, earn the best living (even if she forgets to live a life while trying to earn one), toe the line that society has drawn and generally "do well" as per general norms. To top it as the kid grows, there are certain qualities - good and bad that they pick up. You can do the best you can to get all the good stuff in, but the bad always seeps in unnoticed. Before you know your kid is lying to you or not as empathatic as you hoped she will be or is as greedy as the relatives you used to bitch about in family gatherings. Then there comes the time when she accuses you of not being able to bridge the generation gap - she drinks, maybe smokes, has live-in relations with a guy (or a girl) and basically there is not much you can do about. You can just hope that you die with a clear conscience that you did your best and maybe that just was not enough.

Inspite of knowing all this I wonder why I had Nandu. I consider it to be an extremely selfish act on my part. In my quest to fit into society and to do as is expected of me, I have created a human life, which I have no skills or means of protecting from all that I know exists both out in the world and in one's self.

The motherhood chronicles - IV

Some people surprise you even after long years of your association with them. In my case, I can’t claim to have a long association with him, though we’ve been married for more than 3 years now. Having spent the better part of the 3 years travelling, we do reconnect with each other on the occasions that our employers allow us to be in the same country. I have pegged him with a lot of not so desirable adjectives and was thoroughly convinced that he is just an over grown kid – completely lazy with not too overt a sense of responsibility.

So it came as a surprise, no, that’s putting it too mildly, a pleasant shock is a better term, when I saw him after my delivery. If you are a guy who sees his wife immediately after a gap of 4 months after a C-section you will understand what I mean. At around 85Kg with a bunch of stitches and acute pain with every movement, I repelled even myself. Pregnancy and delivery, contrary to common myth, is not a very enjoyable experience, at least in the early stages. So I was amazed when he was all full of affection for me. I was convinced, I was going through some kind of post partum depression and he was there by my side convincing that everything that I felt – right from the guilt at putting everyone around me to inconvenience to the feeling of desperation that life as I know it has come to end; was completely irrational and that we would get through everything just fine.

Maybe after he saw what I was going through to have given him the most precious gift that I could ever give him, he felt it was necessary to do so – maybe he was trying to do right by me.

But then it didn’t have to continue. So my amazement continued when he was always by my side when I would feed, trying to support me in whatever way he could, which was mainly by looking up the internet on his new iphone for all and sundry topics ranging from how to breast feed to what is colic & what could be done about it. He was also completely in support of using supplemental feed for the kid when I was unable to breastfeed. There were times when he would take the kid from the room where I slept in just so that I could get a few extra minutes of sleep. For a guy who wouldn’t wake up from a deep sleep even if there was an earthquake, he would come running when the kid would bawl at night. For a guy who couldn’t be bothered to move his butt off the couch to help in household chores, he would spent long hours carrying the kid, comforting her, putting her to sleep.

The kind of family structure we have in India leads to the would be mother going to her maternal house for delivery and normally staying abck there for the first few months. I haven’t heard of too many guys who keep visiting the kid in this period due to multiple reasons – one – they would have to face their mom in law too often and that is not a pleasant prospect for any guy and second – there is nothing exciting happening in a kids life in the 1st 3 months – they don’t recognize you, spend most of their time sleeping, feeding and pooping. So your presence or absence as a father really doesn’t make much of a difference. But he was determined to be around for every stage of the kids growth. For a guy for whom coming to Mumbai and living here for any extended period of time constituted the worst nightmare, the kid turned him around. He actually sought a project in Mumbai or Pune or thereabouts so that he could be closer to the kid.

His laziness in his personal life continues that he still doesn’t cook when he is alone in Bangalore and hates doing the dishes. God knows when the house was last cleaned and laundry done. Nothing else seems to have changed, but he seems to be a transformed person when he is around the kid. I have always known that there are other family members of his who take precedence over me in his life and I was cool with that – I don’t expect him to forsake his family of 30 years for his wife of 3 years. But now I guess everyone takes a back seat – only his kid takes precedence – I guess that is how it is supposed to be.

The motherhood chronicles - III

It all started with an important occasion – mom’s 56th birthday on 21st April. I had a Doc’s appointment scheduled for the same day. We planned to go lunching and shopping after the appointment. I was still contemplating on what gift I could get her and had frozen on a portable music system which I could get from Chembur market. It was all planned out when fate decided to intervene. The day finally ended in tears with my mom getting her most prized gift of all – a grandchild.

All occasions since then have been blurred.

A few days after Nandu was born, I got a call from my Mom’s best friend wishing me Happy Mother’s day and for a few seconds I didn’t know how to react. Mother’s day was reserved for me wishing my mom and getting her a card or something – not that I actually remembered it ever. Thanks for TOI for reminding us of such mindless occasions promptly, as if I needed a day to tell my mom that I loved and respected her.

Then came my birthday on 13th May. It was my 1st birthday since I gained memory that I didn’t receive a gift on. No new clothes, no surprise gifts, no eating out – nothing. A bunch of well wishers did call to wish me and I enjoyed the attention shifting back on me, albeit for just a day. I guess all birthdays for a long time will be a replica of this one. And to top it all, it was my 30th. The one where I’m supposed to go over the hill. Anyway, I was more under the hill than over it.

18th May was Nandu’s big day. She turned 28 days old on 18th. As per our traditions, it was her 1st birthday. And we celebrated it in style. Our closest relatives, all of mom’s dear friends, neighbours from our society, a few old family friends – all turned up. Nandu was not in her best form on the day. She was a bit sick and spend her time partly puking and partly sleeping. I was happy to be among so many people again and though there were more enquiries about Nandu than me, it still felt good to be back among people and not encaged at home with no other thoughts than about Nandu and her feeds and her health and her sleep. It may be because of this attitude of mine that I over heard someone say, “What a mother, utterly no concern for the child.” Did it hurt to hear that - of course it did. Did I contest the comment – no I didn’t. The child had been puking and as I am generally considered incapable of handling the child, she was not brought to me for anything other than feeding. She was in the safe hands of my aunt and I trusting my aunt more than myself, saw no reason to be concerned or fawing over Nandu and basically not to be enjoying myself. I guess, you lose the right to enjoy yourself or think of yourself once you have a child. If you have any such selfish thought, you are branded an unfit mother. Anyway, the lowest point of the day came a couple of days later when we got the photos of the occasion and I realized that there was not a single photo of me with Nandu. There were photos with my parents, my aunt, my inlaws and even photos with my hubby. None with me – other than a consolation prize kind of photo where I was standing next to my hubby who was holding her with my hand strategically place beneath her as if to justify my existence in the photo.

The month ended with my parents 31st wedding anniversary on 24th May. A day as ordinary as it gets. It was exactly like 23rd and 25th May.

The only occasions that would dominate our lives for the next 15-20 years will have something or the other to do with Nandu. I guess all I can do is to hope and pray that all those occasions be happy ones.

Motherhood Chronicles - II

“Are you enjoying your motherhood?”, the doctor asked me. It was a loaded question and I couldn’t truthfully say “Yes – It’s a joy. It’s completed my life. It’s what I had been waiting for. It’s given new meaning to my life. I couldn’t say any of these things truthfully. Maybe I’m just not cut out to be a mother. Everyone around me including my husband and my father seem to be enjoying her presence and existence. The only person who seems to be aloof from the merriment is me. For me it’s as if I’m seeing someone else’s life from outside. I still don’t feel a part of my own life. Having a child is said to be a life altering experience, but for me it’s been an event which has made me forget my own life.

I’ve always been someone without too much attachment to children. So when time came for me to have my own, I was skeptical as to how I would deal with it. There were no surprises. I didn’t have any sudden surge of maternal instinct or feeling. When she cries, I’m the last one in the house to get affected. My mother and mother in law come rushing in to pacify her. When she throws up, everyone at home gets psyched. I browse the internet, find that throwing up is normal in infants and decide that there is nothing to be worried about. I’ve never stayed and watched my bai give her a bath. I’ve never dressed her up after a bath. I’ve never put her to sleep. I’ve practically done nothing. Then you may ask “What do I do as a mother?” – practically nothing. I feed her and that too not too effectively. Most of the time she is still hungry after I feed her. I sometimes feel tired to do this only thing that I’m required to do and my mother uncomplainingly feeds her Lactogen. I’ve changed her diaper a couple of times and helped my mom or mom in law clean her up after her potty or vomit sessions. That’s about it. My role in my child’s life can be easily substituted by a tin can of Lactogen.

Everyone seems to find enough reason to hold her, talk to her, play with her i.e. everyone except me. Somehow everyone in the house seem to think of me only when it is time to feed her. Otherwise, if she is crying in my arms, no one thinks I’m capable of sushing her, if she is drowsy, no one thinks I’m capable of putting her to sleep, if she is awake – well there are so many people fawning over her that I feel out of place. She is my child – amn’t I supposed to be the one closest to her? I feel as though I’m the only person who she has no connect with. My dad reads her the newspaper and she seemingly enjoys it. My husband narrates events of the day to her and she listens aptly to him. My mom is constantly playing with her. My mother in law is always on the look out to take her from my arms to either put her to sleep or to play with her. The only person who has spent an equally less or maybe lesser time with her than me is my grandmom and that is mainly because she is 76 and is very skeptical of holding the baby.

Then there are these comments which people say to soothe the kid when crying – mainly “Didn’t mommy feed you enough?”, “Didn’t mommy feed you on time?” which may be totally innocent but make me not want to be in the same room as the child when her mouth is not stuffed with my teats. There are also theories – interesting ones which again have to point fingers at me – “It’s my breast milk dripping on her face which has caused all the heat rashes on her face” – I guess the sweltering heat of Mumbai has nothing to do with it. “It must be the foul smell that you emit which makes the kid stop feeding early leading to her stomach not getting filled” – what do you expect me to smell like when I’m covered in dripping sticky milk, vomit, urine, stool and my own blood from the eternal bleeding which I’m to suffer for at least 40 days after I give birth.

But maybe I’m being too unfair by blaming only others for this situation. I’ve seen my husband just sit and look at her when she is sleeping – unconditional love written large on his face. I’ve seen my mom – almost half dead after all the house work and sleepless for days together staying up all night ensuring that the kid is sleeping well and doesn’t vomit. I’ve seen my dad pick her up and walk for long periods of time and enjoying talking to her. And what do I do – I normally watch TV or stare into emptiness or fall asleep while feeding her. The fact that I take absolutely no initiative to bond with the kid really doesn’t help my cause. And the saddest part is that I don’t feel like taking that initiative. There are so many others doing everything – why should I bother?

Anyway, I’m not sure how things will pan out – but being the die hard pessimist that I am, I don’t have much hope.