Motherhood Chronicles - II

“Are you enjoying your motherhood?”, the doctor asked me. It was a loaded question and I couldn’t truthfully say “Yes – It’s a joy. It’s completed my life. It’s what I had been waiting for. It’s given new meaning to my life. I couldn’t say any of these things truthfully. Maybe I’m just not cut out to be a mother. Everyone around me including my husband and my father seem to be enjoying her presence and existence. The only person who seems to be aloof from the merriment is me. For me it’s as if I’m seeing someone else’s life from outside. I still don’t feel a part of my own life. Having a child is said to be a life altering experience, but for me it’s been an event which has made me forget my own life.

I’ve always been someone without too much attachment to children. So when time came for me to have my own, I was skeptical as to how I would deal with it. There were no surprises. I didn’t have any sudden surge of maternal instinct or feeling. When she cries, I’m the last one in the house to get affected. My mother and mother in law come rushing in to pacify her. When she throws up, everyone at home gets psyched. I browse the internet, find that throwing up is normal in infants and decide that there is nothing to be worried about. I’ve never stayed and watched my bai give her a bath. I’ve never dressed her up after a bath. I’ve never put her to sleep. I’ve practically done nothing. Then you may ask “What do I do as a mother?” – practically nothing. I feed her and that too not too effectively. Most of the time she is still hungry after I feed her. I sometimes feel tired to do this only thing that I’m required to do and my mother uncomplainingly feeds her Lactogen. I’ve changed her diaper a couple of times and helped my mom or mom in law clean her up after her potty or vomit sessions. That’s about it. My role in my child’s life can be easily substituted by a tin can of Lactogen.

Everyone seems to find enough reason to hold her, talk to her, play with her i.e. everyone except me. Somehow everyone in the house seem to think of me only when it is time to feed her. Otherwise, if she is crying in my arms, no one thinks I’m capable of sushing her, if she is drowsy, no one thinks I’m capable of putting her to sleep, if she is awake – well there are so many people fawning over her that I feel out of place. She is my child – amn’t I supposed to be the one closest to her? I feel as though I’m the only person who she has no connect with. My dad reads her the newspaper and she seemingly enjoys it. My husband narrates events of the day to her and she listens aptly to him. My mom is constantly playing with her. My mother in law is always on the look out to take her from my arms to either put her to sleep or to play with her. The only person who has spent an equally less or maybe lesser time with her than me is my grandmom and that is mainly because she is 76 and is very skeptical of holding the baby.

Then there are these comments which people say to soothe the kid when crying – mainly “Didn’t mommy feed you enough?”, “Didn’t mommy feed you on time?” which may be totally innocent but make me not want to be in the same room as the child when her mouth is not stuffed with my teats. There are also theories – interesting ones which again have to point fingers at me – “It’s my breast milk dripping on her face which has caused all the heat rashes on her face” – I guess the sweltering heat of Mumbai has nothing to do with it. “It must be the foul smell that you emit which makes the kid stop feeding early leading to her stomach not getting filled” – what do you expect me to smell like when I’m covered in dripping sticky milk, vomit, urine, stool and my own blood from the eternal bleeding which I’m to suffer for at least 40 days after I give birth.

But maybe I’m being too unfair by blaming only others for this situation. I’ve seen my husband just sit and look at her when she is sleeping – unconditional love written large on his face. I’ve seen my mom – almost half dead after all the house work and sleepless for days together staying up all night ensuring that the kid is sleeping well and doesn’t vomit. I’ve seen my dad pick her up and walk for long periods of time and enjoying talking to her. And what do I do – I normally watch TV or stare into emptiness or fall asleep while feeding her. The fact that I take absolutely no initiative to bond with the kid really doesn’t help my cause. And the saddest part is that I don’t feel like taking that initiative. There are so many others doing everything – why should I bother?

Anyway, I’m not sure how things will pan out – but being the die hard pessimist that I am, I don’t have much hope.