The last
hour of 2014. As usual everything is left for the last moment.
I look back at the year and see more moments of desperation in
this year than any other that I remember. Given that I have an extremely short
memory span of any chronological event in my life, this is not a telling sign
of any actual comparative desperation of 2014 over say 2002 or 2007 or 2011. It’s
just recent events (and by recent I mean the past week) triggering this
reaction.
So overall
how was 2014? Well I’m alive, I still have a job, still have parents who love
me unconditionally, am still married, still have a fairly undamaged kid, have
money in my bank, had soup for dinner and am having Choco chip cookies for
dessert as I write this. So, overall nothing to complain about. Well, I have been cooped up at home for the past
7 days with my 3 year old with a visit to Hyde Park, the day after Boxing Day
being the highlight of the “vacation”. Didn’t get to see the magical mile at
Kew or roam around in Central London looking at the Christmas lighting or check
out the Boxing Day sales or see fireworks at New Year’s…. But if you compare
that to the unfortunate people that are shown on the charities on British telly
– the kids in Africa without clean water, the mistreated girls in Asia, the
homeless young people in UK, the cold and freezing children in Syria… then my
little woes do seem a tad selfish and frivolous. But by far this has been one
of the most unsatisfactory years of my life – personally and professional with
each having a huge negative impact on the other.
Things were
ok till around mid of the year. New role, excitement of kid arriving, of
husband arriving, of dreams of a quiet British family life, of having my parents’
hitherto unused passports being stamped at London and Amsterdam…. It was
finally coming together. And then in classic life style, it all stopped coming
together.. in fact it all fell apart so fast that the memories of the good half
of the year seem extremely far away. Husband left as he didn’t get a job,
parents followed upon visa expiry, kid actually wanted to live with me and
refused to go with grandparents and so I was left with my kid alone for the
first time in life. Feelings of abandonment, of being taken for granted, of
having my wings clipped, of being angry at not being able to take care of the
kid in the manner that I thought would be ideal and appropriate, of being stuck
with a client from whom escape seemed indeterminable, of missing targets at
work, of being unable to travel as part of the job, of having seniors quit………all
sorts of negative feelings overshadowed every minute of the day. Now, truth be
told, the true headwinds struck only mid Sept onwards when parents left. But
the last 16 weeks of my life (including 3 that I spent in India) have been the
most emotionally draining ones ever – maybe postpartum weeks aside.
The “kid” –
she has become the only thing governing most things in life. I am still not
sure if that is good or bad or whether it is supposed to be that way. Sometimes,
no.. most of the times, I feel sorry for the little one.. She is stuck with me
for a mother – no mollycoddling, no patience, and no cooking skills. I am
trying the best I can, but at times I know I can do better, if I tried a bit
harder. With the amount of admonishments that I shower on her, poor thing, the
only reason for her still wanting to live with me (and I keep rechecking every
few days, if that is still the case) is Stockholm syndrome. I really can’t
think of any other reason! I just hope that I don’t end up doing irreparable
damage to her personality, mind and soul in my attempts to balance my life as
an individual with my life as a member of a family.
However, it’s
not always doom and gloom – there are moments of sunshine and pure joy. Moments
which make me realise that there is a bigger picture here and everything is for
a reason and all that philosophical crap… but such moments are fleeting and
rare. I have taken to enjoying what I get – the weekly trips to Sainsbury’s for
groceries, the weekly trips to McD for chips, the time spent (infrequently, but
nonetheless) playing with blocks or colours, the weekly trips to Kingston
Library, the days when there is no shouting and raving and ranting and tantrums
and crying, the days when I get 5-6 hours of sleep. I guess the kid makes me
realize on a daily basis what is important and valuable in life. There is
immense clarity in some of the decisions that I take – refusing client meetings
after 4.30 – the reason being that kid doesn’t like babysitters – for whatever
reason… and I need to leave at 4.30 to pick her up from playschool before 6,
pushing back on “extra” work as I need every single moment either for the kid
of for myself and I zealously guard that time.
These past
few weeks have also shown me a few good friends. Mandu has always been there –
in the first week of my “being mom” experiment when I thought I had lost it – I
couldn’t speak to anyone but her.. two hours of Mandu therapy and I started
feeling human again. My old old friend from Kerala whom I was re-acquainted
with when I came to London… when he and his partner offered to pick us up from
the airport upon our return to London, opened their hearts and doors to us on
Christmas day lest we spend the day alone, call on us every week to ask after
us… it made me say that silent prayer that someone is indeed watching over me.
A couple of colleagues also surprised me. One of them invited us for a Netherlands
trip over the holidays – this inspite of knowing how limiting a trip can be with
a 3 year old in tow. Another one made joint plans to go to Scotland. I backed
out from both plans at the last moment – for good reason and am glad that I
did, but it again made me realize that I am not totally alone. There are people
who care. And I guess that is much more than most people have in life.
So here is
thanking the good people in my life – personal and professional for being there
for me and thanking my kid for not giving up on me (though she does occasionally
say that she doesn’t like my behaviour and is very disappointed in me – silly parrot)…..
here is wishing that the year to come (which is another 10 minutes away and so well withing deadline :-)) brings
me peace, stability, good night’s sleep, health and good thoughts.. I hope you
also have these in your life…
Welcome
2015!
