Annual Wrapup

The last hour of 2014. As usual everything is left for the last moment.

I look back at the year and see more moments of desperation in this year than any other that I remember. Given that I have an extremely short memory span of any chronological event in my life, this is not a telling sign of any actual comparative desperation of 2014 over say 2002 or 2007 or 2011. It’s just recent events (and by recent I mean the past week) triggering this reaction.

So overall how was 2014? Well I’m alive, I still have a job, still have parents who love me unconditionally, am still married, still have a fairly undamaged kid, have money in my bank, had soup for dinner and am having Choco chip cookies for dessert as I write this. So, overall nothing to complain about. Well, I have been cooped up at home for the past 7 days with my 3 year old with a visit to Hyde Park, the day after Boxing Day being the highlight of the “vacation”. Didn’t get to see the magical mile at Kew or roam around in Central London looking at the Christmas lighting or check out the Boxing Day sales or see fireworks at New Year’s…. But if you compare that to the unfortunate people that are shown on the charities on British telly – the kids in Africa without clean water, the mistreated girls in Asia, the homeless young people in UK, the cold and freezing children in Syria… then my little woes do seem a tad selfish and frivolous. But by far this has been one of the most unsatisfactory years of my life – personally and professional with each having a huge negative impact on the other.

Things were ok till around mid of the year. New role, excitement of kid arriving, of husband arriving, of dreams of a quiet British family life, of having my parents’ hitherto unused passports being stamped at London and Amsterdam…. It was finally coming together. And then in classic life style, it all stopped coming together.. in fact it all fell apart so fast that the memories of the good half of the year seem extremely far away. Husband left as he didn’t get a job, parents followed upon visa expiry, kid actually wanted to live with me and refused to go with grandparents and so I was left with my kid alone for the first time in life. Feelings of abandonment, of being taken for granted, of having my wings clipped, of being angry at not being able to take care of the kid in the manner that I thought would be ideal and appropriate, of being stuck with a client from whom escape seemed indeterminable, of missing targets at work, of being unable to travel as part of the job, of having seniors quit………all sorts of negative feelings overshadowed every minute of the day. Now, truth be told, the true headwinds struck only mid Sept onwards when parents left. But the last 16 weeks of my life (including 3 that I spent in India) have been the most emotionally draining ones ever – maybe postpartum weeks aside.

The “kid” – she has become the only thing governing most things in life. I am still not sure if that is good or bad or whether it is supposed to be that way. Sometimes, no.. most of the times, I feel sorry for the little one.. She is stuck with me for a mother – no mollycoddling, no patience, and no cooking skills. I am trying the best I can, but at times I know I can do better, if I tried a bit harder. With the amount of admonishments that I shower on her, poor thing, the only reason for her still wanting to live with me (and I keep rechecking every few days, if that is still the case) is Stockholm syndrome. I really can’t think of any other reason! I just hope that I don’t end up doing irreparable damage to her personality, mind and soul in my attempts to balance my life as an individual with my life as a member of a family.

However, it’s not always doom and gloom – there are moments of sunshine and pure joy. Moments which make me realise that there is a bigger picture here and everything is for a reason and all that philosophical crap… but such moments are fleeting and rare. I have taken to enjoying what I get – the weekly trips to Sainsbury’s for groceries, the weekly trips to McD for chips, the time spent (infrequently, but nonetheless) playing with blocks or colours, the weekly trips to Kingston Library, the days when there is no shouting and raving and ranting and tantrums and crying, the days when I get 5-6 hours of sleep. I guess the kid makes me realize on a daily basis what is important and valuable in life. There is immense clarity in some of the decisions that I take – refusing client meetings after 4.30 – the reason being that kid doesn’t like babysitters – for whatever reason… and I need to leave at 4.30 to pick her up from playschool before 6, pushing back on “extra” work as I need every single moment either for the kid of for myself and I zealously guard that time. 

These past few weeks have also shown me a few good friends. Mandu has always been there – in the first week of my “being mom” experiment when I thought I had lost it – I couldn’t speak to anyone but her.. two hours of Mandu therapy and I started feeling human again. My old old friend from Kerala whom I was re-acquainted with when I came to London… when he and his partner offered to pick us up from the airport upon our return to London, opened their hearts and doors to us on Christmas day lest we spend the day alone, call on us every week to ask after us… it made me say that silent prayer that someone is indeed watching over me. A couple of colleagues also surprised me. One of them invited us for a Netherlands trip over the holidays – this inspite of knowing how limiting a trip can be with a 3 year old in tow. Another one made joint plans to go to Scotland. I backed out from both plans at the last moment – for good reason and am glad that I did, but it again made me realize that I am not totally alone. There are people who care. And I guess that is much more than most people have in life.

So here is thanking the good people in my life – personal and professional for being there for me and thanking my kid for not giving up on me (though she does occasionally say that she doesn’t like my behaviour and is very disappointed in me – silly parrot)….. here is wishing that the year to come (which is another 10 minutes away and so well withing deadline :-)) brings me peace, stability, good night’s sleep, health and good thoughts.. I hope you also have these in your life…

Welcome 2015!