Motherhood chronicles - Abandonment

That’s what my kid is going though….

I just came back from Kerala and will not see her for more than 2 months. She lives with my parents.

Why ?– because I thought that was what was best for her.

How is being away from ones parents best for the kid? – Because I don’t have the time to look after her..

Why? – because I am busy earning money

For what? So that I can provide for her

Provide what ? Goddammit – I don’t know.

When she was little… it didn't matter who she was with. My parents love her very much – possibly my mom loves her more than I could do myself – maybe even more than she loves me. So the kid is in  very good hands. Loving grandparents who are ready to set aside their lives for her. They have their whole day and night tailored to her schedule. My dad is tied to the house because of her, my mom has not slept a proper nights sleep since she was born. They are so attached to her that it would kill them literally if I separated her from them.

So why do it? – Because she has started recognizing me. She realizes that I am her mother. She looks at me with unadulterated love and affection. She is so insecure that I am going to leave her that she clings to me when she sees me. I keep “visiting” her and each time leave without saying goodbye after 3-4 days. This time around, she knew… she knew right from the time she saw me that I was going to leave her.

What does it do to a kids psyche to know that her mom will eventually leave her?

I never say good bye. Why? Because I don’t want to create a scene. She asks for me once and then goes back to playing – at the tender age of 18 months she has to resign to fate. It never was a problem – but now it is – it rests in her sub conscious mind. She replays it at night. Doesn’t sleep – is disturbed. Keeps repeating – “amma poyi”, “renu poyi”. Is any amount of money worth this pain that I am causing her?

Is my career worth it? There is always the cliché response.. your kid only needs you for a few years and then they are independent. You loose out on opportunities if you compromise in those few years… It really doesn’t matter – they are little.. they don’t remember.

Bullshit – each of these excuses is bull shit.

I hate myself for knowing all this and still going through with my choice. I weep as I write this and still get ready for a 2 month trip abroad. To a place from where it would take me 24 hours to get to her…

And my excuse… I am doing it for her.. for her future. What a bloody mess……and no one to blame but me.