NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

Its 2006. A new year has begun. The advent of a new year is supposed to be filled with hope, enthusiasm and a lot of other mumbo jumbo motivational crap about how life is great and anything is possible and we ought to know what we want and then we should work towards that dream and one day we will be there… My God! What a lot of bull.
I woke up today the same as yesterday. There was no change whatsoever in the way I looked at things or the way the world treated me. So what’s the big deal about new years anyway????

I think, I will answer my own question. At the end of every day we wait for nightfall as if 6 hours of darkness and blissful oblivion would somehow change things the next day. But all people go to bed thinking that what happened today has happened. Can’t change the past. Better look forward to the future. Tomorrow for sure will be a better day. It’s this hope that keeps us homo sapiens alive and going. Its this uncanny feeling that everything that happens happens for good and that whatever might be our current situation, things could be far worse and that there are many in this world less fortunate that us…

I hence decided that maybe the world will never treat me different and may be I don’t really know how I expect the world to treat me. But I could make a few changes in the way I treat myself. So here goes my long list of New Year resolutions.

1. I will talk less:
All that gyan about silence being golden and maunam vidwana bhushanam etc. may actually mean something. I talk a lot (obviously, hence the resolution) and I talk unnecessarily (no topic is bad for me, no person is to be spared by banter). I am not saying that I will go the silent spectator way. But at least I could think before I speak, I could measure my words, I could stop bullshitting so much. Maybe, what’s the harm in trying?

2. I will be firm:
I am quite a wishy wash kind of person. I have my own opinions and ideas, but they normally get bulldozed over by some one else’s less than brilliant ideas. Why? Because I simply don’t think it is worth the effort to either convince the other person of the worth of my idea or I myself think it is a supremely dumb idea, hence not worth anyone’s time. I also go along with the flow a lot i.e. I give in a lot to the wishes of my friends and family. All those seemingly insignificant daily stuff, apparently adds up to a lot of giving in.

3. I will take care of myself:
I spent the last 2 years expecting my parents to take time off their lives to take care of me. I expected my friend to mother me. I convinced my self that I enjoy the freedom that my life alone gives me but I am just not ready to take the responsibility.
I put on an awesome 10 kg in 4 months simply because I was too lazy to eat right and then ended up paying a months salary (at lest a good part of it) trying to get rid of that extra fat in some superspeciality health clinic.
I brood a lot – that gets me down. I think of the world and what’s generally wrong with it. I think about my family and what's bothering them. I think about my friends and the shit they are going through and that drives me into a mood that does not make me candidate for “the most wonderful person to be around” award. I realize (this realization didn’t come with the new year, I have been aware of it a long time) that there is nothing I can do to change all that and make everything better for everybody. I earn well – so maybe I can donate some of my money to charity. I can help my family and friends in whatever way I can physically and financially – sometimes just being there for them is enough. It’s their lives and I can’t live it for them and worrying myself to death is not gong to help me either.

4. Read:
There was a time when I was a devout reader. Let me be honest I have not read many classics and am not ashamed to admit that. When I moved away from home for my job, I went around buying Bronte, Dickens, Bernard Shaw (I didn’t go overboard and buy Shakespeare – but that’s was next on my list). Anyway with this collection of good books at home, I spent every waking moment I was not at office in front of TV. The last two years I have seen more of the idiot box than I have I my entire life. But as on date that became a thing of the past. I started and finished Chetan Bhagats “One night @ a call center” in 4 hours flat and did not even feel the urge to put on my TV. I then moved to reading some professional stuff and now I am writing. I am determined about this one thing. I want to be able to read again – for all that I am today is because of that one great habit of mine and I am allowing it to die on me so easily.

That’s the end of my list. It’s a short one indeed and I want desperately to be able to stick to it. The trouble is there is one thing about me that needs changing but that I am not willing to change and that is my extreme pessimism. Somehow I think it has kept me on guard and has been healthy for my life and me. Its better to be aware of your own weaknesses and to prepare yourself for the failures that you will face in life. It’s a lot less painful that way than painting up a rosy picture, working your ass off for it and then ending up in a dark alley with a dead end.

So at the end of this year when I re-read this list and don’t give myself a smirk indicating, “jerk! What were you thinking of making such a fancy wish list?” I think I will have done myself a great service.