Then & Now

I was rummaging through some old stuff and I found a poem I had written half a dozen years back.

What on earth haven’t I got?
Body and mind both safe and loved
Happiness and comfort I have a lot
Why do I sit and lament?

But are only those enough
For my existence?
If a breathing corpse is what I want to be
I reckon they are just about ample for me

But if it is a human being that I aspire to be
What I need is confidence and dignity

But where do I shop for confidence?
What do I bargain for dignity?
What should I wear to be intelligent?
What make up would bring out my creativity

Not that I don’t have the above
They do exist deep down I me
But my fear,
My fear of failure
Just pushes them deeper and deeper inside of me

So frustrated and depressed
So impatient and restless
So dumb and worthless
Why do I feel?

My soul will die in this prison
My heart wouldn’t cry
My eyes wouldn’t shed a tear
I would mourn my own death….

I have to say that the poem is utterly desperate and cannot be considered an artistic master piece. But it speaks volumes of truth – about me, the state of mind I was in when I wrote it, my perception of life and my role in the whole scheme of things.

Most of my thoughts still remain the same but life has taught me a few important lessons and so my approach towards life and the way I look at things has changed drastically. I would not go over board and say that now I am optimistic and life is all rosy and beautiful. But yes, I have realized that it is only upto me to make my life beautiful or miserable. That everybody sails in a boat similar to mine. Everybody has a few good qualities and some flaws. Everybody feels incomplete deep down. Everybody becomes desperate and frustrated in life at some point. That I’m not alone.

Its not in what you feel that lies the essence of life, its in how you deal with those feelings, how you channel them, how you change your perception about yourself, your life and consequently of the world that you live in. It’s in realizing that you have been put down on earth for a purpose. You have to do a lot of soul searching to stumble upon that purpose – but try and you will discover yourself. That would be the day you accept your flaws and admire your own goodness and thank God for putting you down and giving you a chance to make a difference – no matter how small it may be.

That would be the day that you start living.