Benazir is dead

I have not given a second thought to Benazir Bhutto for a very long time. Indeed, why should I? How does she affect my life? She is someone I see once in a while in TV and a politician from my neighbouring country. As I believe in total equality, I give her the same consideration and attribute the same qualities to her as I do to the politicians of my country and realistically, thats not much.

So, when today evening mom called and told me that Benazir had been assasinated, I don't know why I felt as if someone had punched me in my stomach. The face that instantly shot up into my memory was that of her in her trademark green Salwar-kameez with the dupatta on her head sitting and chatting on the Simi Garewal Show. Then I remembered, she had kids - I don't know how many, but she had kids - what would become of them now? My mom had her voice caught in her throat when she spoke about the incident.

Why did the death of someone so alien to me affect me so much?

Maybe I felt a pang of sympathy towards her as a woman trying to fight it out in a man's world.

Maybe I felt that history was reliving itself - India has seen the death of every member of the 1st family of Indian politics and we know we will see more. I believe that I considered Benazir to be a Pakistani counterpart of Indirfa Gandhi. They may have been generations apart and I am not an ardent follower of politics - but from a human level I think both of them had a lot of similar qualities. Ms. Gandhi was a lot tougher than Benazir, but India has always been a secular democracy and that does make things slightly easier than being in a Muslim country.

Maybe it is the feeling that I need to feel as a human being hearing of a fellow human beings demise. I'm sure God programmed us that way, it's just that we have brought on so much bloodshed on ourselves that we fail to be touched by it anymore.

Maybe, I was being a selfish Indian in thinking that if Benazir would have come to power in Pakistan, there may have been a glimmer of hope for peace between the two countries. Now that flame of hope has extinguished for ever.

I still cannot come to terms with the fact that she is dead. Every time a powerful or notable woman in world events passes away, it takes a very long time for the fact to sink in. I think it is because of half of the world's population who have the power to change the world, only these notable few come out. They stand as inspiration to the rest of us. With the falling of each of these pillars we get a sense of our world crumbling around us and we not being able to get the walls up and standing again soon enough!

Thats another pillar gone and I am scared because there aren't too many left in the world. Unless I and many others like me who lead protected, mediocre lives decide to build those walls, the next generation is going to be pretty much homeless.......

May God Bless Her Soul. May She Rest In Peace.

May God also bless the souls of the thousands who will die in Pakistan in the next few days in the aftermath of this one event.

Its that time of the year again

I have preponed my new year resolution blog by a week this year.

A lot has happened in the past 1 year. It started with dejections and some how has also managed to end with dejections. A lot of good things have happened in between, though.

The year started with me being jobless in Amsterdam. My contract would not be renewed, I was informed. I was over confident, coming to think of it, I don't know why. In the next 3 months, I attended countless interviews in and around Amsterdam. I even travelled to the neighbouring country. I got offers - 1 I rejected and all others rejected me. Rejection is not a great feeling. Believe me - I know. Then the day came when I left Netherlands. I remembered the days I used to yearn for home and then I there was a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach - I didn't want to go home...I liked my life. But that was not to be.

I came home and I was suddenly ecstatic. I realised the moment I saw my family what I was missing. The next one month was spent in fattening up.

I took up a job which I didn't want to... purely my decision, for reasons that my previous blogs will elucidate. But I met a lot of interesting people - some to be wary of for life and some keepers for life. I was miserable at work, but I had fun otherwise.

That somehow seems to be the story of my life - miserable at work and having fun otherwise.

Then I got married. Being who I am - someone who is not dreamy eyed, has not a romantic bone in my entire being and someone who is pessimissm personified, you can guess how thinks would work out. It was not as bad as I thought, have to give my husband credit for that. As if getting married and moving to a new city was not a challenge enough, I decided to quit my job and change my career direction.

So at the end of the year when I am keying this down, I am in a city that I have come to hate, with no job and no life the way I knew it. Thats perfect... but all that is about to change.

So here goes my NEW YEAR RESOLUTION FOR 2008:

1. Lose weight - This item appears in this list 3rd year in a row

2. Control my temper - This is a new entrant being attributed to my new marital status

3. Be optimistic / positive - This one will continue on this list till time immemmorial

4. Study - Some form of this resolution is always on this list

5. Get a job - This is more a necessity than a resolution

Thats a short and sweet list - very much acheivable. As ususal, will revisit next year, same time and get a status report.

Something to mark the day

It's been a month since I have got married. That should be ocassion enough to pen down something. But no, thats not what has prompted me to write after such a long time. Its something I saw on my way to classes which did.
The day did not kick off in the best possible way. I was not getting an auto and I probably looked too wealthy to all the auto drivers. None of them would move the auto without a promise of Rs.20 overthe meter. I kept cursing everyone under the sun and kept shaking my head resolutely. Finally the auto I got seemed to have its meter jacked up to the speed of Rajdhani. At a red signal, I was watching the meter with a hawk eye seeing it burn a big hole in my purse, when I noticed a family.
The husband who was following the wife and the son closely was dressed in a soiled dhoti. He had not shaved for a few days and was quite unkempt in his appearance. But there was a smile on his face which is rare to find. It was one of satisfaction, contentment. His wife who was walking a couple of steps ahead with the son was equally shabby in appearance. She had a small wicker basket in her hand, maybe something she carried to work. She was listening with rapt attention to her son. The son - he was dressed neatly in a lungi and a spotless white shirt. His face was clean and his hair was neatly combed. He was dumb - he couldn't speak. He was narrating some incident - maybe something that happened at school or near home to his parents. It was apparently something in which he had excelled. It might have been as minor or inconsequential as him playing with a bunch of kids and winning or something meaningful like he doing well in a class test. Irrespective of what it was, his parents understood him and were visibly proud of him.
For the 1st time since morning I felt a small smile cross my sulky face.
The signal turned green and we lurched ahead. My auto driver apparently though that he was in a F1 race. A few paces ahead I saw another auto. It was stuffed with school children - there are no other words to describe it the scene. There were at least 8-9 childern aged 5-9 in that auto. They were hanging on to their dear lives. Perching precariously and holding on to every last twig they could find it was as if these young ones were on a battle path and it was a question of their survival.
The smile that had just a few seconds back found my face just couldn't sit there anymore.
One one hand I had seen a family - well described as a BPL (Below Poverty Line) family which seemed content and even happy - if just for the moment. And then I saw the future of India, wards of middle class families hearded like cattle to an abattoir.
I don't know what to make of the incident - except for that one of them made me smile and one of them disgusted me to no end.

Dineshaan gets engaged!!!

I got engaged a few days back. The ceremony was in Kerala. After an eventful journey back to aamchi Mumbai, which was literally floating around, the day we landed, the first task I undertook was to upload the photos of the ceremony to the net and send the link to around 150 people.

The list is not as huge as it seems. These are people whom I have know over the last 6- 7 years. Friends from college, sorry – a friend from college – she is all who has managed to be in contact with me, colleagues from the 4 jobs I have held in the past 4 years, kids I taught, a couple of people who know me more than I myself do, a few relatives… well the list is loooong!!!

When I got the reactions back from these wellwishers, I decided to compile them for posterity sake. Of course, the good wishes and congratulations formed a part of all the wishes (it is at moments like these that I thank God for having given me the opportunity to meet so many people from so many walks of life who actually took 10 minutes of their life to partake in my happiness and wish me love, luck and happiness ). But all of them had a funny line somewhere… so here goes….

All of you are looking great and Padmaja (my mom) looks relieved.

Thank you for the lovely pictures!! You have been point of discussion here, we were all very curious about your engagement.. Congratulations :-) It is good that you're so 'triggerhappy' ;-) now we can all enjoy.

Happy to know your quest has come to a successful end!

Arre yeh kyaa hua......India jaatey hi:-)????

I had the feeling like being there physically in the function. He looks very good.

You look so beautiful in your Indian clothing :-)

What a surprise.

You are forever giving surprises.

The photos are Very Very good. I mean you are looking really good (lady like!!!).
And your better half is also very handsome!

Thought u would be wearing a sari for the engagement

So young…so innocent…. Poor guy!

You look smart when dressed, with mehandi, lip stick and…… I can’t believe

Deee kochee.. karyamayittano?? Enikku randu moonnu fotos send cheythu thaa.. ivied elalm blocked aa… seriously u got enganged?? Ooooppssssssssssssssss

shii.. do i know you?? u sure don't look familiar.
whaaa.. how could u just send me snaps without any background or warning..c'mon send me the details.. from the looks of it he looks like a financial analyst of sorts.
i was looking at the snaps and thinking ' who’s getiing engaged in these pics??" i tght u sent me some relative's snaps.. good that you choose a complete make over.

can not believe .................. u r looking so much girlie.

He is cute, looks like a bachoo

u both look very pretty together. U are looking very sweet

cool pics.. aalaake maareettundu ippo.. kalyanam okke fix aayappo kurachu bhangi thanne koodiyo? :) .. pinne thante chekkan ee photosil onnum dravidinte pole illatto.. athaa profile fotoyude pratheykatha aayirunnooo nna thonnunnath.. any way my hearty congratulations.. ennathekkaanu nischayichathu?

veedoru onnonnara veedanallo.. thaan aalu vallya party aanu alle ? :) ithonnum njan arinjirunnilla.. :)

you are looking really beautiful...couldn't believe it was you..i really liked the picture showing your side profile....you look amazing....your punjabi colour is also very nice.....:) You and Krishna Kumar are looking good together....

Congrats!! Nice catch i wud say :)) you look really beautiful in the photos... enjoy the "savan" ka mahina romantically..

Tu to bhai se ben ho gayi yaar.. Kya lagti hai yaar.. Tu chkni lag rahi hai..Ur fiyance is also looking good. But tu jyada achi lag rahi hai.................

ur looking really very very beautiful masha Allah

guy is looking good...

aake romantic ayi nadakkuvano? rathriyil orakkamokkeyundo? enjoy this period.........its one of the sweetest and sexiest parts of marital life

kenavannae kannanan kothiyavunudoo, convey our regards to him.

Mole dinesha... dineshan adipoli.. oru katta buji look. Mrs.Dineshan was looking so diff..

nice pair :-) details please :-)

nalla sundari ayittundu ketto.

neee avasaanm enne patichuu allea.... ente aaaaa pratheekshaum poie mole dinesha.

chekkane patti comment onnum paranjhillallo, very handsome, oru bujee look.

u look great together......alangu sundhari ayallo. enthanu sari vendannnu vechethu

kutty...adipoly foto keto......sundhary kutty aayi....

photo is very good but u r looking very girlish

adi poli checakkan, paavom

I have one suggestion. if ur fiance grows mustaches he will not have that baccha look. what say
But even otherwise you make good pair. You look typical newly wed (aspiring) in bindi.

You and Krishnan make a great couple. By the way thanks for wearing Salwaar kameez for your eng. Jor ka dhakka dhire se lage--- Ekdum sari pehenti to hamara kya hota.?

would-be cku vishwanathan anand'nte oru chaaya ille ennu samshayam?

Suna hai key, Aap Hamareliye Bhabi la rahe hain? Congratulations..

Its really refreshing to know how people perceived me. The surprise that they have shown in my metamorphosis is not misplaced. You would know it if you knew me.........

Cultural differences

I was in Kerala chilling and relaxing after being back from the Netherlands where I had been for a year. I was narrating tall tales of my adventures abroad to the naive villagers.

Among them was a government health care professional, a nurse, Leelamma. She had humble roots, was married to an ex-military man, had 2 adorable children, doesn’t know much about the world and was not a great tracker of world events. She wanted to know all about life there. How did I travel, what I ate, what the people there do, how did they behave, are they good people….most importantly the obvious questions – the family structure there. Do kids live with their parents, do they love each others, and are they protective, do they marry, do they have children?????

I explained to her that I had not met too many married Dutch people; I met a lot of people in serious relationships. I met couples there who had been living together for 3 or 5 years, maybe have a kid also, but who are scared to death of getting married or have to even consider marriage. But they are totally committed to each other. They have all that we have in a marriage. I did not get a clue why they were so mortally scared of getting married…maybe it was the sense of loss of freedom.

While I was saying all this she asked me – do they really love each other or is it like they show in movies one night with one person and the other with someone else?? I thought about it and said – they were very much in love and very much exclusive in their relationships... then she asked – did they love their kids and take care of them and I said – yes, they most definitely do.. Maybe their idea of loving kids is different from ours, but they do love their kids.

So what is different between them and us, she asked? What is so important in a marriage, she asked? The question, per say did not shock me... I had thought about that much too often, but coming from her, it shocked me. Here was a married woman whose entire life was confined to an area of about 10 km in a village in Kerala and even she understood the basic fiber of human life.
We get married for various reasons. But whatever the reason, marriage as many people have told me is supposed to be a necessary evil. I don’t know about the evil part, but I think marriage is mainly construed as a hedging mechanism. It hedges the risk of you, well, dying alone. The risk is still ever present, but we try and hedge it. So, I guess in the real scheme of things, when two people love each other or care for each other, it is a matter of the heart, is there a necessity to legalise the relationship?

As Leelamma said, what a man and a woman do in the cover of darkness in the privacy of their bedroom remains the same – marriage or no marriage... so what is the big deal!!!

In another instance, I was walking towards the bus stop, one hot, humid, sultry afternoon. I was cursing the heavy jeans and the T-shirt I was wearing... Man, it was so hot!!! And then I saw a couple of Muslim women walk past me clad in black burkhas! And momentarily my thought was , are these people crazy, how can they wear all that black and cover themselves head to toe in such heat. What kind of religion teaches them that? I was convinced that they are crazy.

Anyway I caught my bus and once comfortable inside; I was gazing out the window and saw a couple of firangs. They were clad in stringed nothings and I thought to myself – what shamelessness. How can they be so…..prude?? How can they wear almost nothing and still be comfortable.

Then I realized what I was thinking now as against what I had been thinking just a few minutes back. I thought the Muslim women were crazy to be over dressed and the white people were shameless to be so under clad. When did anyone make me an authority on dressing norms? Where is it written that what I was wearing was appropriate?

The realization stuck me very hard that it was not just me who thought likewise. A whole bunch of Indians … why limit myself to Indians, a whole bunch of people in the world think on these lines…It is so silly that a race as evolved as the human race still fights or judges others on matters as trivial as what you wear. If a girl wears low waist jeans she’s got to be a bitch, if a guy wears a floral shirt, he is gay for sure!

When do we actually break out of the confines of our petty thoughts? When do we actually become the advanced of all the species on earth?

No time soon, I think…

Tale of 2 lives

Sometimes years go by before something noteworthy happens in your life and sometimes things just happen so fast that you don’t have time to note them..

In the past 12 months, my own life has just zipped past me and looking back it seems like one of those mega starrer Bollywood dish out – something like "Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham" (literally). Its just that I’m both the Amitabh Bacchan and the Shah Rukh Khan of the movie, and at times the Hrithik Roshan too.

First I stood up to my principles of working for job satisfaction by taking up a job in a small firm in Mumbai. I put forward my family and the quality of my prospective work to the money that I was going to earn.

Then I backed out on those very principles, because, hey – I’m human and hence inherently greedy. I took up a job which paid me a lot more, guaranteed total brain numbness and took me to Europe.

I left my friends and family and it was here that the Bollywood part of my life comes into play. Tears galore. Heart breaks abundant. But still – one has to go…

Once in Europe, I was almost living my dreams, just almost. I had found a most wonderous group of friends. I traveled and partied and had fun. I saw Buckingham palace and climbed the Pisa tower. I played kai kotti kali, margam kali, went dressed in a sari to a James bond theme party, toured the famed Amsterdam “De Wall” - red light area….it was almost a dream.

The only thing which made it otherwise was the mundane activity of going to office everyday and doing something which added absolutely no value to anything in the world. But as I said before I had already given up my principles.

Then the world literally comes crashing down on me…I discover that my contract is not renewed. It comes as an instant pain and relief. Pain because – I don’t know why – the job was not important – all that the job was giving me certainly was. The financial strength, the European life… I was beginning to like and enjoy it all. Then there ensued a typical melodramatic sequence of me attending something like a dozen interviews in a foreign country which was becoming more and more alienated from me everyday. Rejections and more rejections – they became my constant companion in those last few days in Europe.

My last day in Amsterdam was almost as painful as the one 274 days before when I left India. I could have won an Oscar over that scene, the only thing being that my tears and the ache deep down in my heart were real. I was leaving my surrogate families to be with my real ones. What should one feel in such a moment? Sorrow or joy? I don’t know. I ended up watching 3 movies back to back on my flight which made sure that I forgot the sorrow and was not prepared for the joy.

Welcome back to India

I come with the idea of not getting into the 1st high paying job that I get. But hey, have you forgotten? I’m fickle minded, money wins again. I take a job that I had sworn that I would never do simply because I knew how miserable I would be from day one. And I was right. Or maybe it was the other way around. I was miserable because I had a pre conceived notion that I would be so. And so, whatever the reason, miserable I was in my job.

Meanwhile I bought a new car. After 7 years there is a car which my family can call its own and that too a brand new one at that.

And then I also succeed in not scaring off a guy, which means that I’m well on my way to marriage.

Two jobs, two countries and two major personal events.

Phew!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That’s a lot of excitement for a year!!!!! And I'm sure there’s more where this came from!

Corporate Screening

Yesterday evening I went to the movies. The company that I work for had arranged for a corporate screening. I was impressed. Pirates of the Carribean - At Worlds end - Imax - Wadala - Rs.180/- a piece tickets. I was impressed. I was sub-consciously comparing the theaters, the seating, the crowds to the ones I had encountered in Amsterdam (where in my short stay of 9 months I ended up seeing more Hindi movies that I had done in 22 years in Mumbai!). It was an even competetion. The theatre was plush, the prices of snacks and drinks were day light robbery, the crowd was cool. Modern India was looking more and more westernised.

Inside the theater, I was seated comfortable with my Rs.110/- popcorn and my Rs.45 drink. There were chicks with low cut jeans and navel displaying tops. There were dudes wearing what can best be described as metrosexual clothes. They had the latest gadgets, they spoke in the typical Mumbai English with a lot of "Yaar", "Dude", "Bugger", "I swear" and other choice words & phrases thrown in for good effect in every sentence.

The movie was about to begin. The lights were dimmed.

Then came the anouncement - Please stand up for the National Anthem. For once there was unity in India. All in the hall - and I mean every single soul got up. Babes chatting away on phones, cut the calls. Guys who were loaded with popcorn and samosas and hunting for their seats or girlfriends or both stood still. There was no movement in the hall when the anthem was being rendered. I could feel the passion in the room.

We might speak English better than the British, we might have more gadgets than the Japanese, we might be bigger fans of Levis, Pepsi and Nike than the Americans - but we were all Indians and we were proud of that fact.

The movie was fantastic (if you don't search for a story), Jhonny Depp was so cute and the evening was really enjoyable. But what I will remember for years to come is not the movie or the popcorn. But the moment when a hall full of youngsters, often blamed of being too westernised and being disrespectful towards the motherland - stood up in unison to the National Anthem.

Jai Hind!!!!!

43 things I want to do in life

Out of sheer habit of searching for all answers on Google, I typed the million $ question in the search bar "What do I want to do in life?". Google was as reliable as ever and did give me answers. Lots of them. The most interesting of the results I found was a site called 43 things. Millions of people around the world have jotted down what they want to do in life. Inspired by this and for the lack of anything better to do, I decided to make a list of as many things as I could think about that I wanted to do with my life. So, here goes nothing: Learn at least 3 Non-Indian Languages - preferably French, Latin and Spanish Exercise regulary and get my weight down to 55 Learn Swimming Write a book Learn to read and write Malayalam Learn to play a sport - maybe tennis or batminton - professionally Enroll for dance lessons Learn to play a musical instrument - Violin Travel to all parts of India in the next 5 years Do my MBA from ISB in the next 7 years Pass my FRM Get married Learn to cook like Mom Learn to drive a car Buy a car Donate every year to a charitable cause Buy a house Get an overseas holiday trip for mom and dad at least once Own business suits in 7 different colours - black, blue, beige, grey, brown, black pinstripe, grey pinstripe and matching shoes Start gardening Buy property in Kerala Retire by 40 Start my own business / consulting / whatever - Be my own Boss Have a daughter (maybe 2) Learn to skate Learn to play chess (professionally) mmmmm ----- this has been lying as a draft for a very long time. Maybe I'm not too ambitious. Or maybe I'm not too innovative or imaginative. Anyway, I have decided that this is all I want to do in life as of now. In future... who knows the future? But changes in life may force this list to be amended to things like I want to live, I want to be a good human being, I want to be free....... Maybe.....

Megastructures

I am a self-admitted couch potato. There is nothing I would rather do with my time than curl in front of the TV with sole possession of the remote and freedom to surf as I please and watch what I want. Life has been quite good in that respect so far! One channel which has always been reliable in terms of being watchable all the time is NatGeo. It is really good, well, at least most of the time. One show on it has caught my attention time and again and that is Mega structures. The show is about what its title suggests - Mega structures around the world. The biggest steel and concrete and glass structures made by man. Marvels of modern engineering. Visions, really marvelous and unbelievable visions, ones that change the course of history or the map of the world. Structures which emerge as a tiny spark of idea in someones head, reflects in some vague sketch on someone's drawing board and by the end of the process makes its mark on human society and civilization and stays there for centuries. It is amazing as to how far a tiny speck of imagination can take us. I guess it is to these ingenious ideas that we owe life as we live it today. All the modern conveniences, right from the all consuming fire to the humble safety pin, all were initially just ideas - some born out of necessity and some out of - well - pure luck... I am overawed by how much work actually goes into creating these monster structures. The dedication, the skill and most importantly the sense of purpose that seem to possess everyone on the project - right to the guy who replaces the drill bit. Its as if each one of them knows that they are helping in creating or rewriting history. Im sure that is a great feeling - something that gives you a satisfaction of having done something worthwhile with your life. Not all of us are lucky to be a part of something that is so monumental. But I guess we can still contribute our bit by being a part of the world which admires and utilizes and preserves these structures…