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Monday, October 24, 2005

A divine experience

I have never been a great lover of the monsoon. Having been brought up in Mumbai where the entire city unites and flows as one huge smelly gutter in the rainy season, being outdoors in the rains just brings up memories of long bathes with tons of Dettol and scrubbing every part of my body which had come in contact with the rain water to get rid of every inconceivable thing that the rain water carries. So it was a surprisingly amazing experience the other day when I walked for an hour through a torrent of the heaviest rainfall Coimbatore had seen in a long time.

I had set my mind on going to the temple one evening. It was just 5 in the evening and it was as dark as it would be at about 8 at night. I knew that the sagging clouds up above were waiting for me to step out so that they could pour out their woes to me. I know that I sound complacent, but it is true. The clouds, the leaves the trees and sometimes even the big Guy himself. I hear all of them talking to me..complaining to me, blessing me, showering me with happiness… I guess nature shows affection in its own way to everybody. It’s just that very few have the time to realize it and respond likewise.

I step out with determination writ boldly all over my face armed with nothing but a hand me down umbrella. I had walked maybe 10 meters and my friends from the heaven rushed down to meet me. First the fat ones came down, every drop as fat as an elephants bottom, perfect teardrop shaped ones. Following them in lightening speed were the lighter sharper ones. The only thing between me and their overwhelming love and desire to meet me was my umbrella.

I discovered that the best way to walk in such a heavy down pour is to tuck both hand perilously close to the torso and to hold the umbrella tightly with both hands. Thus I marched on… feeling almost like a brave soldier who in the face of all odds marched towards enemy lines… I almost felt like SRKs introductory shot in Main Hoon Na, except for the clumsily tucked arms holding a worn down umbrella. My freshly washed jeans, cling to my legs and gradually soak up the rain water so thirstily that I can feel them weighing me down after about 15 minutes of this march. I rarely wash my jeans and the day after I had finally washed them, it rains this heavily. What a waste of all that soap!!

We are half way to our destination and the rain eases out. A few moments more and I reach the temple and find it to be bone dry. It had not even drizzled there. After darshan, as soon as I step out the skies open again as if carrying on with me some incomplete conversation from where it left off. The rain just as enthusiastically continued its prancing and dancing on my poor umbrella. The huge rain drops splattered on to my glasses disintegrating to a million tiny specks, making every thing in front of me a blurred vision. As the rains forged down so did I forge ahead – undaunted. I could have taken a bus or a rick or the many modes of transport that were available. But now this was between me and the rain. It had taken all this trouble to come down and meet me. I was going to oblige it. As I waddled though the rain water – mostly clean (anything is clean compared to rain water in Mumbai) I relished in the feeling. The road was almost empty – Coimbatore being a two-wheeler city. I had the entire stretch to my self save the occasional bus or the brave cabbie.

As I walked slowly down the road, I had a strange sensation – one that I had never experienced before. I felt as if all my tensions getting washed away. I ran a mental scan of all the people I had ever come in contact with in my short life span and I forgave all of them. I asked for their forgiveness. I felt free and relieved. I felt happy and joyous. I felt alive.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Everyone is Special

It was all I could do to keep my eyelids from closing. It was after lunch and I was desperately trying to keep awake at my work desk. I guess I was doing a pretty good job of pretending to be awake and working as nobody actually came upto me with the noble intention of waking me up - that had happened in the past. A very chirpy and enthusiastic “Haiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii” jolts me awake from my calm afternoon siesta. I’m quick to response like wise, a result of excellent reflexes and years of practice. It’s the girl from HR – the only department that I like a lot because they are the only department compared to which I seem to be actually working my butt off. Hey, common corporate knowledge – HR does no work.

I turn around and look at her and my eyes pop out. “My God! You’ve grown fat And how!” She pouts and looks cute doing it. “You too Brutus! Every one on the 1st floor is anyway being a bit too honest and straightforward about my weight. Some one called my extra luggage; some one called me a pig. No consideration what so ever that I am a girl. You don’t tell a girl that she has grown fat!” The female just looks plain adorable complaining so. She has just returned after a 10 day Durga puja vacation to Kolkatta and that she had a really good time was evident from the fact that now she could actually match me in size.

She was waiting for her friend to go for lunch and lounged around for a bit. As per courtesy I asked her about how she was, how the puja was and did she enjoy herself etc. Instead of the standard “I’m fine and every thing was Ok”, she opened up a bit to allow me a rare insight into her personality. Mind you, this was not a girl with whom I socialized too much, not that I did that with anybody else.

She went off track and started miming something. I was confused. What’s up with this girl? I knew, she was a bit off, but why had she suddenly gone into mute lane and why was she trying to look like one of those special newsreaders. If my generation can recollect, DD had (I don’t know if it still has) special afternoon news for those were audially challenged (deaf & dumb, for the uninitiated). I was as uninterested in these special new casts as I was in regular new. But the girl in front of me claimed to have been fascinated with it. She repeated a few actions and I asked her the meaning of a particular one – one that looked like she was screwing something like a light bulb on her head – she said it stood for Manmohan Singh. I burst out laughing, I don’t remember the last time I had laughed so hard and so loud and maybe even so deep from the heart. This girl had managed to make have a hearty laugh. She had to be special, she just had to be….

She told me that she had wanted to read my blog for quite some time. I noticed that she had a good sense of the English language and some how in those few short moments I felt there was more to her than what met the eye. I suggested that she start writing and share those with others. She said, she did write or rather she used to write. But those are too private to be shared. I understood. There are some things about me that scare even me, and so I can’t share them with myself let alone the world. But most of my other feelings are quite common, in the sense that every one feels them at one point or other. Sharing them does not embarrass me or make me feel vulnerable or ashamed – I get strong vibes that these are what I am supposed to feel being a part of the society.

She had a certain lost innocence in her, which I had not noticed till date. She told me that she had an ink pen that she loved and a red bound diary that she adored and may be she wrote when she did just for the love of the pen and the book. She wrote all there was to write in a period, which can be typically called the “teenage soul searching emotional turmoil” stage of your life. I know, because that is when I also felt the need to express myself through poems and attempted prose.
Her writings, those memoirs of the rebellious and confused period of her life, got lost in time…

She told me that she had freaked out in her college life. She had so many friends and they had done a lot of crazy stuff, the result of the age and the need to desperately break out of the social boundaries and to experiment – I guess. I drew a stark mental comparison to my own college life, there was not much of anything in it – I didn’t remember anything other than the fact that I was a total geek, in the classical sense of the word – first bench student, thick glasses, oiled hair, obnoxious dress sense and a barrel like figure. No friends, no fun, no nothing… She had met all those old friends this time she had been to Kolkotta. All those freaks with whom she had shared hours and hours of meaningless banter about anything and everything, she fondly remembered those times. She told me that surprisingly she could not have a decent conversation with them now, when she had met many of them nearly 3 – 4 years later. After the usual pleasantries, things just got stuck. She had nothing to ask and they had nothing to say. It was an awkward silence. I’m not too familiar with that feeling (simply because of the total lack of a huge number of friends), but I knew exactly what she meant. She will always have fond memories of those times and in her heart will be this childish yearn to relive those days but her mind will tell her that that it will not be. She had gone ahead in life; she had a new life now, new people, new friends and maybe a new persona altogether. She had moved on.

Listening to her, I realized that every one moves on. What at a particular period in time feels like the perfect idyllic life and time seem to be just a stepping stone in to the unknown future. Once the future closes on you, that too with lighting speed, mind you, you will look back at those very times and ponder upon them and smile fondly recollecting those times. But put in the very same situation today, you will feel totally out of place in your own past!!! I guess life is like a river. Though the mouth of the river, the point of origination is the purest and the best part of its existence, a river once it sprouts out from the mouth, never goes back, it just flows ahead – absorbing all that the world has to offer - good and bad, till it finally meets the ocean one day…..

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

You are hired!

As a kid I wanted to be a doctor. When I grew up a bit I realized that being a doctor involves a lot of studying and a lot of money outflow. So I dropped the idea and decided to become an IPS office. A few years wiser I realized that it doesn’t pay too well and you have to be saluting a lot of scum. So I decided I wanted to be a movie star. A few years down the lane reality stuck me – I was not Marylin Monroe – hell! I was not even plain Jane like Sandra Bullock. By this time I had finished school, Mom was of the opinion that I should take up commerce – Science was not my cup of tea and Arts had no future. Then she decided that I should study something alongside my degree as I had lots of free time (colleges in Mumbai are only for 3 hours per day). So I enrolled myself for CA. After 3 torturous years I completed the course (so much for not studying too hard) and had dreams of a high paying (at least 25K per month) job. It is with these star-studded dreams that I typed out my resume and started job hunting.

I actually went through the entire resume and certificates in hand, knocking at countless doors, appearing for innumerable interviews and facing rejection and even humiliation phase before landing the plump job I have now. Those were the days..now that I look upon them (not that those were eons ago), I have a hearty laugh. But that’s now… at that point it was sheer despearation and frustration all bottled up at not getting that dream job, at times not even being selected for 2nd rounds of interviews.

A few incidents from that period stand out in memory –

A pharmaceutical company. Morning 10:30 AM. Position – Assistant Manager – Accounts. Interviewer – Head Accounts. General accounting concepts were discussed. I answered to the best of my abilities. I had a feeling this might actually click. The place was good, the guy in front of me seemed like a reasonable fellow, the pay might also be good though it might not be a dream salary. All was fine till he asked me “Could you tell me what is s/165 of the Income Tax Act?” What the heck? Who actually remembers all the sections in income tax act (there are people who can memorise books and can repeat the contents at the touch of a button, I’m just not one of them) I was stumped. Instead of just staying that I don’t know, I said “Why don’t you hand me the Income Tax Act book kept on the shelf behind you and I’m sure I can search out the section for you. I believe that once I show you where it is, your English is good enough to read the section and understand what is written in it.” That was the end of the interview. Don’t know why, they never called back!!!!

A famous IT concern. Mid morning 11:30 AM. Position – Financial Analyst – International operations. After interviews with the functional heads I head for a final interview with a department, which in later professional life was to become the department that I was convinced, was a part of every company only to exhibit the skill of looking busy without actually doing any work – HR. Mr. HR manager informs me that as I would be dealing in international operations, the timings may be a bit odd. As I had expected that, I was prepared for it. I politely enquired, “What is my shift?” He looks at me as if I’m from Mars and tells me “You have to be in office by 9:00 AM”. I’m a bit confused. “What are the normal office hours?” I ask. He is even more amazed. He challenges, “How long are you willing to work?” I say “Till say, 10:00 – 10:30 at night. Approx. 13 hours per day”. He smirks and says “The actual work normally begins by 9:30 PM and may go on till 2:00 –3:00 AM”. I’ve had it till my neck with this fellows “higher than thou” attitude. I snap and sweetly ask him “ Do you have a guest house here?” - “No”. “Will you provide me quarters on the premises?” – “No”. “So you actually expect me to travel a total of 4 hours per day to come to work for nearly 16 hours?” He looks down on me and says “Every one does it. Those are the work requirements now a days”. I retort, “How do you know? You are HR – you’ve never worked a day in your life.” The interview ended there. I did not become the Financial Analyst – International Operations.

An old house Mutual Fund company. Waiting period of 2 hours - 11:00 AM to 1:00 PM. Heavy rains – totally drenched. Bored to the core and frustrated. People kept going in and out of the electronically guarded doors to/from the inner sanctorum of the office and I’m sitting there like a wet hen. I was almost feeling insulted. Finally I’m called for an interview by a guy who I suspect is nearly my own age. After 2 hours of waiting they send a rookie to interview me. I was seething by now. I’ve hardly taken a seat and he shoots, “Do you know how to calculate the yield of an equity share?” This was the limit! I conjure up my most sarcastic tone and say, “I thought this was a financially well off company and that you could afford computers.” He is shocked and is hooked on my bait, “We have computers!” I smile and say, “Oh, I’m sure that you guys do calculate the yield of equity shares, even in my absence and that it would be with the aid of computers. So when you have a system for doing something, why the hell did you waste two hours of my time to ask this meaningless question? I turn and walk out of the room before he could react. I don’t want to hear from them ever again.

The most famous private bank in India. I have to say that I was totally taken in by appearances and was smitten by their office. I’m interviewed for some post so insignificant that I don’t even remember it now. I thought I was actually doing quite well. The next day I gave a follow up call and I got a reply, which to this day rings in my ears like a resounding slap, “He was not impressed by you.” That SOB, HE was not impressed with ME. Who did he think he was? That two-bit clerk! Wish I could show him my paycheck now. He would most certainly be impressed.

I finally got interviewed by a bunch of people who were as unconventional, as off beat and as crazy as me. I still work with them. Birds of the same feather do flock together – believe me – its better that way!

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Then & Now

I was rummaging through some old stuff and I found a poem I had written half a dozen years back.

What on earth haven’t I got?
Body and mind both safe and loved
Happiness and comfort I have a lot
Why do I sit and lament?

But are only those enough
For my existence?
If a breathing corpse is what I want to be
I reckon they are just about ample for me

But if it is a human being that I aspire to be
What I need is confidence and dignity

But where do I shop for confidence?
What do I bargain for dignity?
What should I wear to be intelligent?
What make up would bring out my creativity

Not that I don’t have the above
They do exist deep down I me
But my fear,
My fear of failure
Just pushes them deeper and deeper inside of me

So frustrated and depressed
So impatient and restless
So dumb and worthless
Why do I feel?

My soul will die in this prison
My heart wouldn’t cry
My eyes wouldn’t shed a tear
I would mourn my own death….


I have to say that the poem is utterly desperate and cannot be considered an artistic master piece. But it speaks volumes of truth – about me, the state of mind I was in when I wrote it, my perception of life and my role in the whole scheme of things.

Most of my thoughts still remain the same but life has taught me a few important lessons and so my approach towards life and the way I look at things has changed drastically. I would not go over board and say that now I am optimistic and life is all rosy and beautiful. But yes, I have realized that it is only upto me to make my life beautiful or miserable. That everybody sails in a boat similar to mine. Everybody has a few good qualities and some flaws. Everybody feels incomplete deep down. Everybody becomes desperate and frustrated in life at some point. That I’m not alone.

Its not in what you feel that lies the essence of life, its in how you deal with those feelings, how you channel them, how you change your perception about yourself, your life and consequently of the world that you live in. It’s in realizing that you have been put down on earth for a purpose. You have to do a lot of soul searching to stumble upon that purpose – but try and you will discover yourself. That would be the day you accept your flaws and admire your own goodness and thank God for putting you down and giving you a chance to make a difference – no matter how small it may be.

That would be the day that you start living.

Monday, October 10, 2005

DOSTI KA NAAM ZINDAGI

“Aye yaar sun, yaari teri mujhe apne jaan se bhi pyaari hai……….”

“Ye dosti, hum nahi todenge, chodenge dum magar, tera saath na todenge….”

“I’ll be there for you…..”

Numerous songs and sonnets on friendship. All those sentimental friendship SMSs which keep getting forwarded around the world, the most popular one being “A friend is one who sees your first tear, wipes the second and makes sure that the third one does not come out.”

Is friendship over rated or is it really worth all the hype and attention that is getting … now with Friendship day, Buddy day and what not????

I am an extrovert to the world because I can endlessly yap to anyone regardless of the who they are, how well I know them, whether we have anything in common or not….. But people who know me have seen the real me.. a person who is shy to commit to a relation. I am a great believer of the theory that it is better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all. But I have also in this short life span been through a couple of really painful relationships, relations where I had invested all of myself and then came up with negative returns on my investment. That taught me a lesson.. that when you invest in friendship consider book your losses immediately because no matter what happens in the end you will end up getting hurt…. See the inevitable thing in friendship is that the cliché ending of “and they all lived happily ever after…” never happens because that just is not an option. You cannot spend the rest of your life with your friend/(s). What about marriage? What about starting a family? What about globetrotting for career growth? What about your life? It’s fancy and melodramatic to say “Dosti ka naam zindagi, zindagi ka naam dosti!” But does it actually apply verbatim in today’s fast world?

Moving from Mumbai was tough for me. Away from family and more than that from a dear friend was heart wrenching for me. I knew my family would visit me regularly and in due course of time I would get over missing them very badly. But Neha, how would I get over her. She had become an inseparable part of my life and indeed my own self. She loved me, she cared for me, and she didn’t put up with any of my nonsense. She was the first person outside my family who had seen me cry, who had felt my inner pain without me saying a word. How could I live without her? I knew I would survive but things just won’t be the same anymore. I was leaving a part of me behind.

But God had his plans, I guess……..

I met Veda here, a woman older and wiser than me in age and experience who filled in the gaping hole in my heart and took position both as family and friend. She pampered me, adored me, disciplined me, fought with me, helped me get over the jitters of even considering marriage. Over time she became so important to me that I was at times even ignoring family over her. I either avoided or shortened my official trips as I could not bear to be apart from her. I stayed late at office just so that I could bid her goodbye. I would stay back at weekends pining to see her even if it was for just half an hour, which was all I would get most of the time. At office, we had become a trademark couple. People rarely saw either of us alone. Coffee, lunch, staff gatherings… u name it and we were a together. If either of us were not in our own seats, calls would go to each others desks as that is where we invariably would be. People in office may have gone to such lengths so as to think that we are lesbians… even I doubted that at times. Things with her were not always like a sweet honeymoon. We had our fights. She was too emotional about certain things, she would take offence too quickly, she would for days together finger me the wrong way for something that I may have been a part of..but was certainly not my fault. Many at times I was also to blame. She either didn’t realize or pretended to overlook how important she had become to me. There were times when I felt jealously over possessive about her, especially when it came to she spending more time with her brother and my time with her being curtailed according to his convenience and schedule. I never said that to her. In fact I never said a lot of things to her. She may have guessed …..or not.. I never knew. But I just couldn’t bring myself to say all these things I felt to her…simply because I feared losing her.. I knew we would not be in each others lives too long.. I just didn’t want our time together to end sooner than it was supposed to.

But doesn’t friendship warrant openness and honesty? Isn’t true friendship supposed to withstand all the tests of time?

What exactly is friendship? Is it just people of the same age group hanging out together? Is it a group of like-minded people sharing their common interests? Is it just a name given to a transient phase in life where we meet somebody and enjoy his or her company for a short while and then move on with our lives? Is it something like marriage but platonic?

Is it, to me, all the above and more… much more. It is a relation between two people, whose sacredness, purity and strength is maybe surpassed only by the bond of the umbilical cord.

It involves being in a relationship selflessly without expecting anything in return. In fact, if you ask me friendship falls can be fit into the traditional universally accepted meaning of love sans the sexual gratification or any expectation thereof. In a way, this very fact makes friendship better and more long lasting than “love”. In love a consummation of the relationship is expected, but in friendship, the very existence of the relationship is its consummation.

I have endless questions about what friendship really is? How is it supposed to affect me? What am I supposed to do to keep a friendship going? How do you say goodbye to a friend? I am on a quest to unearth the answers to these questions…….

But, nevertheless, I have been lucky to have a couple of really good friends who have stood by me through thick and thin. I know that despite all our differences of opinion and all those tiffs and miffs I could turn around in the times of both joy and despair and they will be there sharing and partaking both. I know that we will all go our separate ways, we may lose touch with each other, we may forget the important things in each others lives…..but at the end of it all, I know and feel that I have been blessed just to have known them…..

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

33 & 1/3rd for me

I am a woman. That’s not a self-convincing statement, that’s just a statement of fact. Biologically, that’s what I am and I have been accepted as one socially too. Except for a couple of occasions on local buses where I was told to get off the ladies seat as I was hogging them and a few instances where my girl friends (friends who belong to the fairer sex – whatever that means) parents got reports that their daughters were spotted with a stocky guy with shaggy hair.

Ok, so I’m a bit tomboyish. I walk with a stagger, don’t have an ounce of the famed feminine shyness, am totally colour blind (women are supposed to differentiate beige from pastel – both are shades of light colour, Im told), I love talking about sex, I forget to zip up my jeans once in a while, I scratch my crotch in public… all those obnoxious things that guys are supposed to do, I do them (except for smoking and drinking – these are plain stupid).

I have always believed that girls and guys feel almost the same things at approximately the same age. It’s just a matter of the social perimeter, which encages us that differentiates the behaviour of the opposite sexes. You think that if a fat girl wears a tight pair of pants the zip does not slide down because the zip is aware of the wearers feminity. You think that the crotch of a girl is a tension free and scratch proof area… you are grossly wrong. You think a woman never farts, think again. You think a woman always smells of fresh flowers, tell the summer sun to be partial to the fairer sex and then maybe the theory will be true. And who ever still says that women are the fairer sex. Isn’t there a beauty cream called “Fair and Handsome” for men. You think a woman does not think about sex, believe me they think about it from the time puberty sets in.. infact for a short period that’s all what they think of. So you see, when it comes to gross stuff girls compete very strongly and sometimes hold an edge over guys.

Similarly when it comes to sensitive behaviour typically associated with women, todays men are not to be left far behind. There is a new breed of men called metro sexuals, they cry openly, they are not scared to show emotion publicly (some times that’s plain embarrassing), they spend a good part of their routine grooming and looking good, they some times even genuinely care.

So things are finally the way God wants them to be (I suppose). Men and women have started realizing that the only thing that actually separates them is a piece of flesh placed in separate parts of the body. They are sharing responsibilities, there are egos being put to rest, expectations are being tempered, people are actually coming to their senses. And amidst all this, are we as a country declaring 33 and 1/3rd reservation for women?? Why on earth would we want to do that? I do understand the fact that India still has a lot of places where women are under valued, places where female infanticide and feoticide is common, places where young girls are not sent to school, places where girls are married off at tender ages of 10 and below. I get all that, but aren’t we a country that’s just about 60 years young. What we have achieved in these 60 years is remarkable if we consider the main fact that, we are a democratic country and no matter how misused, we have maintained that that’s what we want to be.

In such a situation is it right on our part to encourage the division of the society on the basis of sex, religion, caste etc. Aren’t we above these petty issues? Isn’t it apparent that if a person has the goods to be at the top of the game, they will be, no matter what their gender is or religion is or caste is. And if a person doesn’t make it out in the world then maybe they are just not cut out for it. Do we want an unqualified person operating on us just because he got an MBBS on the merit of being born in a particular section of the society, do we want a person who knows nothing about the cement to sand ratio building bridges for us, just because he belongs to a protected religion? Then we definitely do not want a woman who knows nothing about politics or policies for that matter ruling over us as mayors, MPs, PMs etc.

Do something only if you are capable of doing it and not because someone handed it over to you in a silver platter and convinced you that you can’t do it on your own. Reservation for women is by far the most degrading of all government policies because it encourages us to be equal to men by protecting us and by making sure we know that we are weak and cannot make it on our own. And the saddest part is most women support this reservation…So much for self will and standing up on your own feet.

TRUCE AT LAST

I didn’t hate him anymore..I think so. We have fought our silent wars and now both of us have matured.. we have wizened and the reasons that mooted the rivalry seemed trivial.

I had been working as an auditor for about an year. It was my first corporate job and I was just getting the hang of things, corporate politics and above all my job… of all the things in life I never though I would end up as an auditor.. Oh! How I hated auditing!!!!

The chief of our zone had been replaced – this is the guy to whom I address my audit reports. The new guy is some one I have known in the past, he was second in command in another zone. I knew him to be a levelheaded guy and a good decision maker. Our zone was in deep shit and I was sure that if anybody could get us out of this mess, this was the guy..

So it came as a shock, when the first statement he spoke to me was that “I think your work and your department as a whole is a waste of time and resources. I can stand and proclaim the same from any roof top”. How dare he!! That arrogant prick! I fought back my tears. I reasoned with my self, all those self motivation, zero stress theories swamped my head “ when the going gets tough, the tough gets going”, “this is the dog eat dog corporate world”, “don’t let such people get to you”. I had to talk to some one…my Boss. I called him up and went at it for about half an hour… I let loose all my feelings and my Boss patiently listened. At the end of the conversation he chuckled. I was really mad now. Here I was pouring out my frustration to him and he laughs!!!! Then he tells me “I was just imagining the chief on a roof top – that is the best place for him, that’s where you normally find monkeys!” I burst out laughing.. I certainly did not think of some thing like that…..

So that is what he symbolized for me .. an educated ape with an ego the size of the Pacific!

Things at office began to change, drastic changes were made, I heard the good things, I saw the bad events. My colleagues spilled their guts out to me, my shoulder was always readily available for them to weep off office miseries. There were stories of him being rude, sarcastic… that’s what he did his masters in, I’m sure. But the zone was improving.. we could see the changes, sales were up, revenues were inching north, the company’s reputation was improving… he was as I had thought good for the business..very good indeed. I was happy that I was an excellent judge of character.. but God I still hated him.

As per company tradition, birthday boys and girls get a bouquet, cut a cake and then get pasted brutally. It was my birthday. Chief offered me a bouquet and sarcastically asked me “Will you accept this from me?” I shot back “ I don’t seem to get any responses for my audit reports from you, so hell why not, I will take the flowers from you”. The cake was being cut. He invited me to do the honours. I accepted on the condition that I get the biggest piece. He remarked, “Your size demands a big piece”, I retorted, “By that logic, you shouldn’t get any”…. Seems like teenagers fighting.. but that’s me and the Chief.

Then one day, inspiration stuck me and I wrote down a real life incident and sent it to a friend for review. She forwarded it to Chief and a whole bunch of other people. I receive an unexpected call from Chief. He actually read the article. He calls me and says “that’s one of the best pieces of writing I have read in quite a long time”. Oh well! The big man read my article and liked it. He even mentioned it to the entire staff in one of the gatherings.

I’m sure deep down both of us will continue feeling the way we did the first time we met each other and nothing will ever erase the image of him hanging off the rooftop and thumping in chest in blatant proclamation of the futility of my existence. But, hey we have moved on…. After all how long can I stay mad at my fan???!!!

THE GATEKEEPER

Her fingers had just started delving into her lunch and she hears Apputty call out from inside. Gouri sighs, shakes her hand free of food and gets up from the table. Her knees groan in agony. She is 70, not a young age by any standards. She limps towards the wash basin and in the same topsy turvy walk hurries towards the bedroom hoping that she was not too late. She was indeed too late…Apputty had wet her bed.. It was not the first time and it certainly was not going to be the last. So Gouri went about business in a nonchalant manner. She changed the “mundu” that Apputty was wearing and wearily changed the sheets. By the time she was done her back was aching and she had forgotten all about lunch. She went back into the kitchen and saw her untouched lunch on the table. She put a lid on it and walked off to the porch of the house and sat down. Her tired eyes glazed over…….

Its been more than 3 years since Apputty was totally bed ridden. She was 89. She was Gouri’s aunt. She was one of the assets that Gouri inherited when their ancestral home was being partitioned. She had always been an important part of the family. Every one always said that she was healthier than three generations put together that is until the fateful day she fell. That did it.. Apputty never got up.. she was scared. She was still physically healthy..all her senses functioned perfectly, she ate well and she slept well, but psychologically she was cuckoos. Gouri had been imprisoned in the house since that day.. she could not go anywhere, she could not meet anyone, she could not partake in any family events. Her life had become an endless session of bedpans, wet beds, feedings and midnight awakenings by Apputtys blood curling screams after her nightmares. She also had to constantly put up with complaints that she was not looking after her well enough….

Life certainly had not been a bed of roses since the death of her husband nearly 25 years ago.. but she had managed.. she had put her kids through college, got them married off, tried to get them settled…
Her son was in Daman. Struggling to make ends meet..could not come back home.. he had shamed the family.. he had created debts that the family was still trying to pay off…
At least her daughters were doing well, she thought with a smile… and then a frown creased her forehead..
One of her daughters was divorced, grossly overweight, a compulsive obsessive workaholic with a daughter who could not be exactly classified as normal.. Gouri just wished that she would not live to see the day her grand daughter would be weeping on her moms funeral… that anyway seemed imminent to happen…
Her other daughter had a hobby of collecting all the tensions in the world and then worrying herself to death. But she was still better of the lot.

Wasn’t this the period in life that one was supposed to enjoy with grandchildren.. where was that period of her life.. will she ever see it or enjoy it fully? She knew that if only Apputty ceased to be a shackle in her life… she regretted the thought the moment it entered her mind. How could she think like that??? Had she become like the rest of the world.. cold and heartless.. Had she forgotten that this was the same woman who had cared for her as a child, for her children after her and than for her grandchildren… that this was the same woman who had done the work of 4 people single handedly, that this was the same woman who cried every time something happened to Gouri, that this was the same woman who most probably prayed to God every night to end her life so that Gouri could get on with hers…

Gouri is woken from her reverie by the creaking of the gate. A boy strides very authoritatively into the courtyard… Gouri could not make out the young guy. He had a small carry bag in his hand.. Gouri squinted into the sunlight…She was shocked.. it was her elder grand daughter.. she had come to visit from Coimbatore. What had the girl done to her hair!! Gouri felt tears prick her eyes.. “Ammamma” shouted her granddaughter and Gouri’s world just came alive…she was indeed spending time with her grandkids… life was still beautiful… yes, there were problems but who didn’t have them.. her immediate concerns were transformed.. what to cook for lunch.. what was her favourite??? Renu hugged her grandma so tightly that her frail figure would have broken… Gouri did not mind…once in a while the gates of her lonely life would open to let in a flood of happiness…her life was still beautiful…

About Me

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Mumbai product - went around the world - got hitched and escaped from the Silicon city of India to the land of glamour and royalty - London. I write every time my heart stirs......