Issued in public interest – call from UK Home office

I took the day off today owing to my “mute”ation… this is a condition which like my periods visit me with nearly as much regularity. In this condition, my voice if it comes out seems like that of an underworld don (not that I have heard any in real life) and is followed by a very long bout of coughs which can compete with any good breed of dog in volume and intensity. So amidst me trying to not get addicted to the cough syrup and having finished two strips of Strepsils, I take a call which lands on my cell. I had got a couple of calls from the same number earlier in the day and a call back had revealed that it is the UK Home Office - Immigration. So the third of fourth time it came, I took the call.. better not to piss off the immigration guys.

The following is the conversation which ensued.

Hello (in a strange hoarse whisper)

Am I speaking with Renu Menon?

Yes

I am calling from the home office. Are you in a quiet location? (in a very severe south Asian voice)

Yes, I am. What is this regarding?

What was your date of arrival in the UK?

5^th November 2013

Do you have internet connection? (now, I'm wondering what this is about)

Yes, I do

I want you to verify this call. Please type www.gov.uk on your screen. What do you see?

I see the www.gov.uk webpage

Now type home office and tell me what do you see

I see the home office page and an article on “Home Secretary: International action needed to tackle terrorism”

No no.. do you see the option apply for a visa on top of the page?

Yes, I do

Scroll to the bottom of the page where there are contact details, what is the number you see there

020 7035 4848

What is the number of your phone screen

020 7035 4848. I already know you are calling from the home office. I called back the number after seeing missed calls from you a couple of times before (see I was not just ignoring my work colleagues, I was ignoring everyone)

(In an angry tone) If you had called this number before, what stopped you from getting in touch with me?

(In an even tone) I didn’t know whom to ask for, you didn’t leave a voice message with contact details the last three times you called. The options when I called the number were numerous and confusing and I didn’t know why you had called, so I didn’t know which option to choose. There was also no operator / help desk option.

I am calling to let you know that I have an order for your deportation.

Oh

Do you know that there is a legal case lodged against you in India?

No (I just took a day off work, its not that big a deal, they didn’t have to lodge a case against me)

Because of this case, you will be deported today.

Do you have the details of the case to share because I am not aware of any case against me

Do you have any loans in India?

Yes

The case is on account of defaulting on a loan.

Oh, that is not possible. Both loans are active and are serviced regularly. Neither of them have been defaulted on

When did you enter the UK?

As I told you before, on 5^th November 2015

What is your passport number?

I tell him

What is the address on your passport?

I tell him

Do you have any other ID proof in UK other than your passport?

My UK driving license

What is the number?

I tell him

Did you fill in a landing card when you arrived in UK

I’m sure I did

Were you under the influence of drugs or alcohol when you filled it in?

No (now I’m getting pissed off, I don’t care if I’m getting deported, I don’t have to take shit from anyone)

Why did you not file your in DS2 form with the home office?

What is that?

Are you telling me that you filled in your landing card and signed on it and didn’t even read what is on it?

I’m telling that I am not aware of any such requirement and that I’ve been in the UK at least 4 times before this current trip and half a dozen times after 2013 and none of these times I was required to fill up any DS2 form. So, if I was supposed to do it and didn’t, I apologize. I can do it now if I knew what is to be done.

We will send our team to your home to verify your documents. You should not disconnect this call till they have finished verifying your documents

Ok. Are they coming now?

When our team comes there if there is anything that needs to be done to help you out, they will.

Ok

Is there anything you want to ask me or tell me now?

Can I have the details of the Indian case against me?

We don’t have the details yet, it has just come to our notice today

What do I do about my dependents – my husband and child

Is your husband your dependent?

No. he is here on a dependent visa, he has his own job

Is he there? I need to speak to him.

No. He works in Leeds.

How many loans do you have in india?

Two

What is the balance in those loans?

I tell him

How many bank accounts do you have in India?

Two

What is the balance in these accounts?

I tell him

How many accounts do you have in UK?

1

What is the balance in this account?

I tell him

Do you have a credit card in UK?

No

Ok. I will now send our team to your residence to verify your documents. Do not discuss this case with anyone till we have finished verifying your documents

Sorry, that is not possible. I will have to let my employer know.

That is against the law. Do you realise how serious this is? Do you have a police station close by? I want you to go to the police station right now without disconnecting this call.

What will that achieve?

You will give custody to the police and understand how serious this is

I'm not doubting the seriousness of this, I just don’t understand what you want me to do.

You will be in contravention of the law if you discuss this case with anyone.

I’m sorry, I’m in a foreign land being threatened with deportation without a clear reason. I have every right to legal counsel and I will ask my employers for advice of what needs to be done. As far as I know everything that I have done in India and in UK is as per law and hence if there are these accusations being made, I need help to understand my next steps

Your next steps will be told to you by our officers once we finish checking your papers. Any help needed will be provided by them. If you tell anyone now, it will be a violation of the immigration laws and you will be sent back immediately to India and there will be a black mark on your passport. So what is your decision? Do you want to contravene the law?

You seem to have made up your mind to deport me anyway. So if I land in India tomorrow, my employer has the right to know why I didn’t seek counsel. So I’m sorry if I’m contravening the law, but I will reach out to the legal team in my company for advice

Then do that.

Call disconnected.

----------------

This was a hoax. A couple of my colleagues have been pressurized into paying money into provided bank accounts for making the immigration problems go away. 

Beware of such calls.

Weekly ritual

We have a weekly ritual on Saturdays – me and the kid. Around 3pm, just about when she is getting supremely irritating and when I’m at the end of my patience, we set out for our weekend adventure. This involves a very steady routine. Dress up, fight about peeing before leaving house – threaten  to cancel trip if pee is not attempted, shout amidst tears, make up, leave home, walk to the nearest bus-stop, take the first bus that goes into Kingston, get down at Brooks Road, take the short walk to Kingston Children’s library aiming to reach there by around 3.30pm.

I discovered the library as a means to keep my sanity once I was alone with the kid here. She enjoys being read to and they do have a superb collection. Sometimes it’s my eagerness to read the next Julia Donaldson which far outweighs her need to go to make the trip. None the less, she does enjoy the trip. She browses the books and picks ones she thinks she may like and brings them to them to me to be read aloud. We spend around an hour or so at the library and the end of which we decide which books to take home. Considering that a lot of kids books are hardcovers and hence heavy, we limit our selection to around 5-7 books per week depending on the strength of the plastic cover I’m carrying for the books, her liking for certain books and my violent dislike for others. We normally manage a decent compromise. Sometimes her choice of books does surprise me. It is no secret that the girl loves monsters and dinosaurs. So obviously books which seem to have either of these on the cover do make it home. But I did draw the line at bringing home books about dung licking monsters and creatures who liked spider sandwiches…. Yuck!

Then there are times when she picks up books from the multi-language section and follows me around begging me to read Bengali books or Korean books. I’m good and I’m her super hero.. but even I can’t read anything other than English and Hindi. So after coming to blows trying to explain that I genuinely can't read Korean and I’m not trying to be difficult or lazy (her allegations), we decide on languages that I can read. Sometimes when we bring home books and read them, I’m surprised that most books in the lot seem to have a theme. One week, we had books about cleanliness( 3/5 books), one week it was about treating “different” people well (4/7 books), this week it is manners (2/5 books). You may assume, like I wrongly did, that kids’ books anyway cover only a limited number or range of topics and hence such co-incidences are very likely. But when you have been exposed to the world of kids stories in UK (and believe me the range is much wider than what we as adults get to read) and she picks up these books at random without knowing how to read, it does strike me as astonishing.

Anyway, library closes at 5, so we make our way out by around 4.45 and cross the road and land on Kingston high street. Next stop McD’s. Next part of the ritual – 2 medium fries and a fruit shoot – 3.17 quid for a fine inhouse dining experience. A luxury once a week and more importantly, at least 30 minutes more of conflict free time between us. Once we are done, after fighting over the quantity of ketchup, we take the first bus available into Surbiton, get down at Maple Road and walk back home to reach around six-ish.

All in all a good three hours spend outside home, fresh air, no fights, good books, fatty fries and a fairly tired kid who is asleep by 7. All in all not a bad ritual.

A musical fix

I stumbled upon The sound of Music today. It was 15 minutes into the movie. The scene was when Maria was told by the Reverend Mother about her commission to the Von Trapp family and she was on her way. I was in my quest for an American crime drama, any American crime drama.. though I seem to have seen re-runs of re-runs so many times that I can narrate dialogues back in my sleep.  Anyway, my initial pull – the reason why I stopped channel surfing was to see how Julie Andrews looked when she was young. I had seen the movie a long time back and knew the story, remembered a couple of the songs – 16 going on 17 and favourite things, but didn’t remember the details. Then the song was over and she was at the Vonn Trapp residence and then I was hooked. I just couldn’t change the channel. I couldn’t get myself to stop watching. The beauty of the story telling, the innocence of the era, the charm of the hero – things which are so lost in todays movies. There is a scene where George professes his love to Maria and they sing (obviously) at the end of which their silhouettes frame the doorway against the moonlight. It is one of the most beautiful frames in a movie which I remember seeing. The underlying and understated sense of patriotism which is there but not there. The romance which is so subtle that it is painful but never overwhelming. Even the other lady who could easily have been a vamp, but is only a human woman. I am not an expert in old Hollywood movies. I think sound of music and maybe Benhur are the only old movies (pre-80’s I mean) which I recollect seeing. I have always thought of that era to be unrealistic, something that my generation cannot relate to, movies with actors singing at the drop of a hat and hamming along gloriously. I am not saying that I am wrong. I don’t think I can ever see a Western starring Mr. Eastwood. But seeing something like Sound of Music ticks all the boxes – hope, love, music, joy, fun, strength, life….People need fixes like these  once in a while to get them re-alined.

Of Prose and Poems

This past year I have been exposed to a lot of writers about whom I had never heard of before… some good, some very good and some passable.

First off, introduction to a whole range of British best-selling children’s writers was the biggest find of all for me.  Julia Donaldson, Tony Mitton, John Fardell and the American Dr. Suess… the simplicity of the prose and poems, the audacity of the imagination, the brilliance of the ideas, the sense of humour which appeals to a 30 year old as much as a to a three year old. Aliens love underpants, Stinkysauraus, Manfred the baddie, the Gruffalo and lots more are an exquisite delight to read. I look forward to my weekly visit to the childrens section of Kingston Library as much as my kid. The excitement of finding these gems, bringing them home and then reading them every night till the next weekend is something that find childishly innocent.

The other big discovery for me was Alexander McCall Smith. The No.1 ladies detective agency series has been one of the most enjoyable reads I’ve had in a long time. Botswana, a hitherto heard of but not retained in memory for any cause, country was suddenly the most desirable country in the world. I have always loved the ability of an individual to write from a perspective which is completely opposite of their self. Not that I claim to intimately know Mr. McCall Smith, but I would daresay he does look and read a lot different than Precious Ramostwe. Reading any one of this gentleman’s books has a therapeutic effect on me.

Then there are the horrible history series. I am not one for actually recollecting anything that I read in those books with any precision – in fact I am bound to get British history all muddled up adequately for them to throw me out of the country with immediate effect, but are they a riot to read. I have never read such callously funny renderings of gruesome killings in my life. One doesn’t know whether to laugh or be horrified after reading the series.

The Indian markets are flooded with American authors and thankfully a lot of indian ones. I do miss the Indian writers. I wonder if there is a new Vish Puri novel or if Mr. Robin Einstien Varghese has been able to mess something up again or if Mr.Ravi Subramaniam has exposed another underbelly of the Indian banking industry or Mr.Adiga has another delightfully realistic expression of Indian life. I agree I am not into heavy philosophical books, but historical or mythological interpretations like The Pregnant King, the Palace of Illusions are excellent reads.

 

So I have always been quite ignorant of British writers. Maybe other than the old timers (Dickens, Jane Austen et al.), I actually have not read any modern authors. I have obviously been an ardent worshipper of Frederick Forsyth and Jeffery Archer in their heydays, but their books are far too global to give you a feel for the real British life. So when I came across writers like Ann Cleeves, Anna Dean, Sue Townsend (all women, which I didn’t realise till I actually jotted their names down), I was pleasantly surprised. It is a very different depiction than what Indians reading Western fiction are used to. We are so used to the American way of things that to digest and then slowly enjoy the British way of things is a bit difficult. But when you’ve lived here for some time (at least through one glorious seasonal cycle), you understand the bleakness, the greyness, the propriety, the addiction to a cup of tea, the social structures, the conflict of the cultures – both within generations and within populations. And when you understand some of this, then you start enjoying their murder mysteries, novels penning their mundane daily affairs. I am not sure if I would yet extend this courtesy to British telly which I am staying steadfastly away from, but maybe I ought to give Downton Abbey and Dr. Who a chance at least J

Amongst all these, was a book called A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian. This is written by a migrant Ukrainian who is settled in UK and I don’t believe I have read anything so remotely funny in the near past.

I am sure there are many American writers who do good work and continue to churn good intelligent material for masses (and I do not include James Patterson as one of these writers), but for now, I am basking in glorious British literature (not sure if modern day novels are to be referred to as literature). In this country where telly is oh so rubbish, it’s these writers who keep my sanity intact.

 

 

 

Annual Wrapup

The last hour of 2014. As usual everything is left for the last moment.

I look back at the year and see more moments of desperation in this year than any other that I remember. Given that I have an extremely short memory span of any chronological event in my life, this is not a telling sign of any actual comparative desperation of 2014 over say 2002 or 2007 or 2011. It’s just recent events (and by recent I mean the past week) triggering this reaction.

So overall how was 2014? Well I’m alive, I still have a job, still have parents who love me unconditionally, am still married, still have a fairly undamaged kid, have money in my bank, had soup for dinner and am having Choco chip cookies for dessert as I write this. So, overall nothing to complain about. Well, I have been cooped up at home for the past 7 days with my 3 year old with a visit to Hyde Park, the day after Boxing Day being the highlight of the “vacation”. Didn’t get to see the magical mile at Kew or roam around in Central London looking at the Christmas lighting or check out the Boxing Day sales or see fireworks at New Year’s…. But if you compare that to the unfortunate people that are shown on the charities on British telly – the kids in Africa without clean water, the mistreated girls in Asia, the homeless young people in UK, the cold and freezing children in Syria… then my little woes do seem a tad selfish and frivolous. But by far this has been one of the most unsatisfactory years of my life – personally and professional with each having a huge negative impact on the other.

Things were ok till around mid of the year. New role, excitement of kid arriving, of husband arriving, of dreams of a quiet British family life, of having my parents’ hitherto unused passports being stamped at London and Amsterdam…. It was finally coming together. And then in classic life style, it all stopped coming together.. in fact it all fell apart so fast that the memories of the good half of the year seem extremely far away. Husband left as he didn’t get a job, parents followed upon visa expiry, kid actually wanted to live with me and refused to go with grandparents and so I was left with my kid alone for the first time in life. Feelings of abandonment, of being taken for granted, of having my wings clipped, of being angry at not being able to take care of the kid in the manner that I thought would be ideal and appropriate, of being stuck with a client from whom escape seemed indeterminable, of missing targets at work, of being unable to travel as part of the job, of having seniors quit………all sorts of negative feelings overshadowed every minute of the day. Now, truth be told, the true headwinds struck only mid Sept onwards when parents left. But the last 16 weeks of my life (including 3 that I spent in India) have been the most emotionally draining ones ever – maybe postpartum weeks aside.

The “kid” – she has become the only thing governing most things in life. I am still not sure if that is good or bad or whether it is supposed to be that way. Sometimes, no.. most of the times, I feel sorry for the little one.. She is stuck with me for a mother – no mollycoddling, no patience, and no cooking skills. I am trying the best I can, but at times I know I can do better, if I tried a bit harder. With the amount of admonishments that I shower on her, poor thing, the only reason for her still wanting to live with me (and I keep rechecking every few days, if that is still the case) is Stockholm syndrome. I really can’t think of any other reason! I just hope that I don’t end up doing irreparable damage to her personality, mind and soul in my attempts to balance my life as an individual with my life as a member of a family.

However, it’s not always doom and gloom – there are moments of sunshine and pure joy. Moments which make me realise that there is a bigger picture here and everything is for a reason and all that philosophical crap… but such moments are fleeting and rare. I have taken to enjoying what I get – the weekly trips to Sainsbury’s for groceries, the weekly trips to McD for chips, the time spent (infrequently, but nonetheless) playing with blocks or colours, the weekly trips to Kingston Library, the days when there is no shouting and raving and ranting and tantrums and crying, the days when I get 5-6 hours of sleep. I guess the kid makes me realize on a daily basis what is important and valuable in life. There is immense clarity in some of the decisions that I take – refusing client meetings after 4.30 – the reason being that kid doesn’t like babysitters – for whatever reason… and I need to leave at 4.30 to pick her up from playschool before 6, pushing back on “extra” work as I need every single moment either for the kid of for myself and I zealously guard that time. 

These past few weeks have also shown me a few good friends. Mandu has always been there – in the first week of my “being mom” experiment when I thought I had lost it – I couldn’t speak to anyone but her.. two hours of Mandu therapy and I started feeling human again. My old old friend from Kerala whom I was re-acquainted with when I came to London… when he and his partner offered to pick us up from the airport upon our return to London, opened their hearts and doors to us on Christmas day lest we spend the day alone, call on us every week to ask after us… it made me say that silent prayer that someone is indeed watching over me. A couple of colleagues also surprised me. One of them invited us for a Netherlands trip over the holidays – this inspite of knowing how limiting a trip can be with a 3 year old in tow. Another one made joint plans to go to Scotland. I backed out from both plans at the last moment – for good reason and am glad that I did, but it again made me realize that I am not totally alone. There are people who care. And I guess that is much more than most people have in life.

So here is thanking the good people in my life – personal and professional for being there for me and thanking my kid for not giving up on me (though she does occasionally say that she doesn’t like my behaviour and is very disappointed in me – silly parrot)….. here is wishing that the year to come (which is another 10 minutes away and so well withing deadline :-)) brings me peace, stability, good night’s sleep, health and good thoughts.. I hope you also have these in your life…

Welcome 2015!

 

Changing value proposition for control assurance solutions

I work for an organization whose main goal is to generate a positive impact on customers’ business through intelligent business processes. Hence all our sales efforts focus only on one aspect – what impact can we generate for our customer? This in simple language means – how much money can I save for my customer or how much positive influence can I have on their topline or bottom line? We have seen the business paradigm change from being a labour arbitrage based cost out game to one where high end consulting services lead to innovative ideas that drive process efficiency and effectiveness.

While all this is well and good, where risk and control specialists like me face a challenge is quite simple. Risk and controls specialists have traditionally dealt only in two products:

·         Fear – fear of non-compliance and related fines, penalties, loss of reputation and even the ocassional jail time

·         Assurance – assurance that our services will prevent the above disasters from materializing

My experience suggests that we need to start looking at our sales process differently. Assurance is no longer an adequate enough value proposition. While assurance still is quite critical, the average corporate customer has over the years realized that it is possible to get “Assurance+” services. I call them assurance+ because as a principle any service offered by a risk advisory practice is to help a customer identify and mitigate risks. We are still in the business of assurance. But customers now demand that assurance lead to greater process efficiency, assurance comes at a lower cost and assurance comes with greater transparency and visibility. So assurance needs to be accompanied by an efficiency and or a cost metric to make it a compelling value proposition. Anyone who has been in the business long enough knows that none of these “pluses” are radically new. Infact they have always been a natural outcome of most assurance advisory projects. However where we see a change is that the customer has become acutely aware of these byproducts and sees the immense value in them. Hence they are no longer a significantly underplayed offshoot – they are the front and centre objective of customer expectations.

The only area where fear still overrides all business sense is when there is a new regulation (fear of the unknown) or when there is an enforcement action (fear of the known). Any service which helps a company comply with a  regulation which has the power to shut down or at least significantly cripple businesses from an existence and / or revenue perspective do not require any additional value than the fact that it can keep you in business.

This change, like all others, can be viewed from a positive as well as a negative perspective. If we think positively, what this has done is allowed assurance professionals to claim credit and charge additionally for all the hard $ valuea that their advisory services generate. So companies are now experimenting with outcome based pricing, value based pricing even for risk advisory services. This is quite a change from the project based or resource based pricing that risk consulting projects are traditionally used to. The risks in such a business model are great, but the rewards are greater with risk consultants rising from being mere assurance providers to being trusted business advisors.  The flip side of the equation is that quantification of our value proposition is quite a challenge. Over the years, we may have helped many of our customers avoid potential losses, identify potential leakages etc. But one of our handicaps is the basic premise that audit and assurance is never 100%, it is always sample based. Hence the only way for us to put a $ amount on value we have helped generate is by extrapolation, which may not be the best or most prudent option. There is also the argument that the more we chase “number targets”, the more we dilute our main value i.e. assurance.

All said and done, the world of risk advisory services is undergoing radical changes and once needs to be in tune with changing customer expectations or risk getting left behind as the ostrich with its head in the sand. Any risk advisor in that position wouldn’t be too good a advisor now, would it?

Friends

I’m sure I have written about this earlier… but considering the depth of my literary exploits over the last decade or so, I can’t find one of this topic….

You know you have a good life when two things happen – one you are alive and two you are loved. Now the "being loved” bit may come across as some dopey theory that you would not expect – at least not from me. But in retrospect if you think of your life, no matter what your circumstances were, things were always ok when someone who loved you was there; just being themselves. And if you do reflect on your life and you mind fills with myriad images of when you experienced such love and kindness, then consider yourself lucky. You have a life worth living. So when I indulge on one of my guilt trips, which I have been doing quite often now a days, it is good to sit back and count my blessings.

I am a very loved person…. Now some may say that is a narcissistic thing to say. But I truly am. Just saying that makes me smile. Apart from the obvious people who should love me (but whose love I have never taken for granted) there are my friends. If you have known me long enough, you know that I don’t have many friends - could count all of them on the fingers of one hand and maybe even have a finger left over.

I, at some point used to be an introvert. Over the years profession and circumstances have turned me into an extrovert – at least visibly. I come across as a friendly person, easy to talk to, decent sense of humour – mostly self-depreciating, fun to hang around. But those who have stood by me through the years know that not much has changed over time. Most of my friendships are old - the oldest one is around 16 years old and the youngest one is around 4 years old. It’s those few who I depend on to pull me out of the depths of depression and self pity when it strikes. Friends with whom the barrier of time seem to lose significance. Connections which have been dormant for 7 years, 7 months, 7 weeks or 7 days…all get picked up where I last left it. I can literally start a conversation with these friends after months of total radio and email silence. No awkwardness, no searching for a topic, no dearth of topic, no tapering of conversations - even the silence is comfortable. Then there are the names.. you know they reserve that name only for you... chotta shakeel, mandu, babli, kutty; even the names are enough to conjure up happy images. Sometime the conversations are pure crap… shooting the breeze and still the cathartic effect  that it has on me is immense. The only reason for that being that the friend knows that I need to shoot breeze and if I had something to discuss I would – at my own time, at my own pace and at my own terms. They are just there for me. Sometimes it feels selfish. Do I do right by them as they do by me? I don’t know. Maybe I do and that’s why they still stick with me; or maybe I don’t and they stick with me inspite of that. That’s what friendship is all about, right.

I have been separated from each of my friends at differnet points of life. Life just happened – circumstances changed, events occurred, time passed and people moved. At each instance, the pain of not being able to see them each day, meet them, talk to them face to face, share food with them and most importantly not being able to hug them – it’s just as unbearable as the pain of not seeing my kid for 4 months straight. But then as you grow older and wiser and you revisit some of your friends and their lives – while there a little part of you which wants time to turn back, sometimes with more intensity that you could imagine, there is another part of you which wants to get back to your life as is. You think practically and then you see how your lives have gone different ways and you are just lucky to stay in each others life with a belief that if you really needed one another, you would be there. No matter what.

The belief keeps me going – never have I felt such gratitude towards my friends, than at this hour of the night sitting alone in my apartment. The memories of the times we spent together are enough to last a lifetime and in my deepest and darkest hours, I draw life from them… you do mean a lot to me…..