“30 couples have committed suicide in Kerala in the last 5 years.”
“19 year old girl attempts suicide after family opposition to torrid love affair.”
These are no normal stories; these are results of our society’s reactions towards homosexuality – same sex love affairs. Especially lesbianism - affairs of women in love with women. I had an argument with my mother over this. She was shocked as to how on earth could such a thing have happened in a literate and open minded state like Kerala! Of all the hypocrisy that I have faced in this world, that took the cake. Here was a woman from the thriving middle class of the Malayalee society who has been living in Mumbai for almost 30 years and has been exposed to a lot of open mindedness but who in the confines of her personal life would not even consider getting her only daughter married to a guy who was not a Nair and too exactly the same sub caste. I am not blaming her. She is my mother and she is only looking out for me. But I can’t imagine her reaction if ever I told her that I were a lesbian. I don’t think education has anything to do with your outlook of homosexuality.
Is homosexuality a crime? Why is it difficult to accept that people of the same sex could be madly in love with each other just as a man and a woman? Why is what two people who love each other, enjoy each others company, who care for each other deeply and want to spend their lives with each other, do in the privacy of their bedroom so important. Why do homosexuals have to infinitely hide the truth of their relation behind the curtains of “good friendship”? Do we pry into the details of the sexual lives of heterosexuals? Do we judge a married couple by whether the man has a fetish or whether the woman likes to be on top? As long as it is a man and a woman it is ok! Why is that?
Even within homosexuality I see the gender bias coming in. I am sure India has as large a number of gays as lesbians, maybe more. But gays committing suicide, gays being the centre of attention etc is not a issue that has come into limelight. I know Ashok Row Kavi as a famous gay activist. I don’t know about any lesbian activists. Is it harder for lesbians than it is for gays? I would never know..
Does it ever occur to the society that homosexuality could actually be good. Homosexuals obviously can’t make babies. Maybe the % of adoptions would go up. May be more orphaned children would get a life. This is just one aspect. When it is two of the same sex in a relationship, maybe instances of oppression, family discord, marital violence would be less as both are on level playing fields.
I have seen on History Channel that in one of the first and most advanced civilizations of the world i.e. the Roman civilization, being a heterosexual was considered a weakness especially among men as it implied that a man (a superior being) had to depend on a woman (a lowly being) for his sexual gratification. That would make him dependent and hence weak. So when did we, as a people move from being a homosexually driven society to a heterosexually driven one? I don’t know, I have not researched the subject.
All I know is that in this world where it is so difficult to find love (love is not to be confused with sex, which is pretty easy to find) if one does find love, I would be happy for that person irrespective of whether it is a man or woman they have fallen in love with.
Monday, January 16, 2006
Pennu Kanal
I had completed my education. I had gotten myself a job. I was nearly quarter of a century old. I had reached that penultimate point of my life. I had to get married.
Now, if you belong to a middle class South Indian family, you would know what would ensue. From the time a girl crosses the legal marriable age, parents go through the beginning of the most tension-filled part of their lives. No parent who has gone through the experience of getting their daughters married would disagree that the entire experience is harrowing at the least.
If it’s tough on the parents, it need not be so for the “brides to be”. It can be the worst time of your life if your flinch on every rejection and it can also be the most enjoyable part of your pre marital life. For me so far, it’s been a roller coaster with my heart soaring with expectations each time only to be shown that this is not it yet.
A friend of mine coined a phrase that I like a lot “licensed display”. That’s what she calls the traditional ceremony of “Pennu kannal” or “Ladki dekhna”, meaning the process where the guy comes with his family and inspects the girl. After the ceremony begins the wait for the girls’ family for the phone to ring to hear the good news.
I have been through 4 of these ceremonies and the phone rang only once and I’m still single. You are right; I was rejected all the 4 times. Not too good for your self esteem but have faith that something better is in store for you and more over you can enjoy your freedom for some more time….
Guy no 1: It was actually not the guy, but his family. His mom, his dad, his sister, his brother in law… all but him. It was in our home in Trichur. Everything went superfluously well. Decent family. We never heard from them. Guess I didn’t fit their mould of a fair, slim, beautiful, homely wife for their son. By the way, I really don’t remember his name or what he did.
Guy no 2: Rank holder CA, got an appointment letter from HLL on the night of the CA final results declaration, has been with them for 5 years, lives in Bangalore, originally from Dombivili, Mumbai. He came with an attitude. I almost thought HLL was his fathers’ property; at least he acted that way. He had an accent – mildly American or so he thought. I had lived in Dombivili for 4 of my infant years. To the uninitiated, Dombivili is a part of Thane district where property prices being low, most of the influx of Malayalee immigrants to Mumbai settle, same as my parents. Most people work hard, earn money and shift to suburbs like Mulund, Chembur, Matunga as a sign of progress. As you would have understood, its miles away from the US of A. So I was left wondering where he got that delightfully false accent from. His mom, dad, aunt and he. My mom, dad, aunt, niece and me. I had never though so many people could fit into that small living room of our apartment in Mumbai and all of us could still breathe. We moved to the balcony with a glass of litchi juice. We talked for 10 minutes about the juice, it was really tasty. He asked me what I was looking for. Reality check – was I in a marriage interview or a job interview? Didn’t seem to be too different. Told him my standard line, “I am looking for a decent non-smoking, non drinking guy”. Oh Oh…I had done myself in. Non-smoking, non-drinking..no wonder I wasn’t getting married. I was asking for an extinct species “non smoking, non drinking malayalee guy” was I crazzzy? By the way, he didn’t say all that. He just said, “Oh! I don’t smoke , but I am a light social drinker (whatever that means)”. I knew that moment that we had no future. And I had just spent 12 grand on a round trip to Mumbai from Coimbatore. At least job interviews reimburse the travel expenses, here no such luck. They never “reverted”.
Guy no 3: This is close to heart. I might not have ended up marrying the guy, but I did find a good friend in him. His family as small as mine came all the way to Coimbatore. He traveled down from Bangalore and his folks came down from Chennai where they are settled. I did not even have to take leave from office. I just took an hour’s break and came home. We walked for about an hour. I showed him the RTO, my office, the walking track behind my house. We talked about all and sundry and it was time for him to go. I really thought it may click. I was almost afraid it might click. I did not know if I was ready for that kind of commitment yet. But we had talked a lot before the actual meeting, so we were comfortable. But things were not to work out, I guess. He and his parents did call me and my folks up and apologize. That was thoughtful of them.
Guy no 4: A doctor from one of the most famous Nair families of Kerala. His family comes to our home in Trichur. His face looks like the surface of the moon. I guess that unfair to the moon, even the moon has lesser number of crates on its surface. His mom and my dad got along famously. Its only after the families were comfortable with each other that I had agreed to the meeting. We talked for a total of 10 minutes, infact he talked for a total of 9 and a half minutes of them and I punctuated the remaining 30 seconds with Oh, I see, good, nice etc. I hope he does realize that he is not the only doctor to have walked the surface of planet earth. We did not hear from them either.
Anyways my parents are still trying to hook me up with some decent guy. May God aid them in their quest! I, for my part don’t think it is such a bad idea. You end up learning a lot about people and their attitudes and if you are as lucky as me you end up making a friend in the process.
Now, if you belong to a middle class South Indian family, you would know what would ensue. From the time a girl crosses the legal marriable age, parents go through the beginning of the most tension-filled part of their lives. No parent who has gone through the experience of getting their daughters married would disagree that the entire experience is harrowing at the least.
If it’s tough on the parents, it need not be so for the “brides to be”. It can be the worst time of your life if your flinch on every rejection and it can also be the most enjoyable part of your pre marital life. For me so far, it’s been a roller coaster with my heart soaring with expectations each time only to be shown that this is not it yet.
A friend of mine coined a phrase that I like a lot “licensed display”. That’s what she calls the traditional ceremony of “Pennu kannal” or “Ladki dekhna”, meaning the process where the guy comes with his family and inspects the girl. After the ceremony begins the wait for the girls’ family for the phone to ring to hear the good news.
I have been through 4 of these ceremonies and the phone rang only once and I’m still single. You are right; I was rejected all the 4 times. Not too good for your self esteem but have faith that something better is in store for you and more over you can enjoy your freedom for some more time….
Guy no 1: It was actually not the guy, but his family. His mom, his dad, his sister, his brother in law… all but him. It was in our home in Trichur. Everything went superfluously well. Decent family. We never heard from them. Guess I didn’t fit their mould of a fair, slim, beautiful, homely wife for their son. By the way, I really don’t remember his name or what he did.
Guy no 2: Rank holder CA, got an appointment letter from HLL on the night of the CA final results declaration, has been with them for 5 years, lives in Bangalore, originally from Dombivili, Mumbai. He came with an attitude. I almost thought HLL was his fathers’ property; at least he acted that way. He had an accent – mildly American or so he thought. I had lived in Dombivili for 4 of my infant years. To the uninitiated, Dombivili is a part of Thane district where property prices being low, most of the influx of Malayalee immigrants to Mumbai settle, same as my parents. Most people work hard, earn money and shift to suburbs like Mulund, Chembur, Matunga as a sign of progress. As you would have understood, its miles away from the US of A. So I was left wondering where he got that delightfully false accent from. His mom, dad, aunt and he. My mom, dad, aunt, niece and me. I had never though so many people could fit into that small living room of our apartment in Mumbai and all of us could still breathe. We moved to the balcony with a glass of litchi juice. We talked for 10 minutes about the juice, it was really tasty. He asked me what I was looking for. Reality check – was I in a marriage interview or a job interview? Didn’t seem to be too different. Told him my standard line, “I am looking for a decent non-smoking, non drinking guy”. Oh Oh…I had done myself in. Non-smoking, non-drinking..no wonder I wasn’t getting married. I was asking for an extinct species “non smoking, non drinking malayalee guy” was I crazzzy? By the way, he didn’t say all that. He just said, “Oh! I don’t smoke , but I am a light social drinker (whatever that means)”. I knew that moment that we had no future. And I had just spent 12 grand on a round trip to Mumbai from Coimbatore. At least job interviews reimburse the travel expenses, here no such luck. They never “reverted”.
Guy no 3: This is close to heart. I might not have ended up marrying the guy, but I did find a good friend in him. His family as small as mine came all the way to Coimbatore. He traveled down from Bangalore and his folks came down from Chennai where they are settled. I did not even have to take leave from office. I just took an hour’s break and came home. We walked for about an hour. I showed him the RTO, my office, the walking track behind my house. We talked about all and sundry and it was time for him to go. I really thought it may click. I was almost afraid it might click. I did not know if I was ready for that kind of commitment yet. But we had talked a lot before the actual meeting, so we were comfortable. But things were not to work out, I guess. He and his parents did call me and my folks up and apologize. That was thoughtful of them.
Guy no 4: A doctor from one of the most famous Nair families of Kerala. His family comes to our home in Trichur. His face looks like the surface of the moon. I guess that unfair to the moon, even the moon has lesser number of crates on its surface. His mom and my dad got along famously. Its only after the families were comfortable with each other that I had agreed to the meeting. We talked for a total of 10 minutes, infact he talked for a total of 9 and a half minutes of them and I punctuated the remaining 30 seconds with Oh, I see, good, nice etc. I hope he does realize that he is not the only doctor to have walked the surface of planet earth. We did not hear from them either.
Anyways my parents are still trying to hook me up with some decent guy. May God aid them in their quest! I, for my part don’t think it is such a bad idea. You end up learning a lot about people and their attitudes and if you are as lucky as me you end up making a friend in the process.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
COOOOOOOL
I was recently wondering what it was like to be cool? I am really confused with this notion! What does it really mean to be "cool"????
Does it mean being someone who can appear on page 3? This species of humans range from overly fashionable (example: rich middle aged socialite wife of business tycoon, who is trying on the latest scraggly piece of designer clothing which looks like a dish rag to the common man) to utterly obnoxious (example: wannabe babe or dude who is so & so’s boy/girl friend who got drunk in an uptown pub and feels he/she was defending one’s right to be drunk and obnoxious)
Does it mean being someone who is part of what is known as an “upwardly mobile middleclass”? This is someone who belongs to a run of the mill middle class family. A person whose family tried to instill values, atypical of the middle class, in them. Someone who has those values somewhere in their heart and being, but too deep for it to surface at appropriate moments. These are educated folks with really high paying jobs who feel the desparate need to flaunt their new found (seemingly hard earned) money. Someone who thinks that we are gonna be rich (meaning page 3 material) in the near future. So might as well practice being a part of the crowd. This practice session includes experimenting with sex (pre-marital, extra-marital, same-sex), drugs, booze, clubbing, partying and seeing nothing wrong in coming home at 2 am and being on the verge of calling their fathers “old man”!
Does it mean being someone who so wants to be noticed by everybody? Someone who wears prewashed, pretorn jeans, faded stinky T-shirts, grows long hair which can be tied in an awkward pony tail, can be seen lounging doing nothing most of the time and has a standard response “whatever” to all possible questions askable to him. Someone who purchases even the pretorn jeans and faded T-shirts at a premium from the most prestigious branded stores, doesn’t mind paying 150 bucks for a coffee and considers pizza to be the best replacement to the staple Indian diet just because it is American.
Can a person who is modern in outlook, open in thoughts, fearless in attitude, responsible in actions, conservative in dressing, polite in speech, sensible in money matters be ever considered cool?
Naaaaaah!!! Take a chillpill dude! That’s so uncool!
Does it mean being someone who can appear on page 3? This species of humans range from overly fashionable (example: rich middle aged socialite wife of business tycoon, who is trying on the latest scraggly piece of designer clothing which looks like a dish rag to the common man) to utterly obnoxious (example: wannabe babe or dude who is so & so’s boy/girl friend who got drunk in an uptown pub and feels he/she was defending one’s right to be drunk and obnoxious)
Does it mean being someone who is part of what is known as an “upwardly mobile middleclass”? This is someone who belongs to a run of the mill middle class family. A person whose family tried to instill values, atypical of the middle class, in them. Someone who has those values somewhere in their heart and being, but too deep for it to surface at appropriate moments. These are educated folks with really high paying jobs who feel the desparate need to flaunt their new found (seemingly hard earned) money. Someone who thinks that we are gonna be rich (meaning page 3 material) in the near future. So might as well practice being a part of the crowd. This practice session includes experimenting with sex (pre-marital, extra-marital, same-sex), drugs, booze, clubbing, partying and seeing nothing wrong in coming home at 2 am and being on the verge of calling their fathers “old man”!
Does it mean being someone who so wants to be noticed by everybody? Someone who wears prewashed, pretorn jeans, faded stinky T-shirts, grows long hair which can be tied in an awkward pony tail, can be seen lounging doing nothing most of the time and has a standard response “whatever” to all possible questions askable to him. Someone who purchases even the pretorn jeans and faded T-shirts at a premium from the most prestigious branded stores, doesn’t mind paying 150 bucks for a coffee and considers pizza to be the best replacement to the staple Indian diet just because it is American.
Can a person who is modern in outlook, open in thoughts, fearless in attitude, responsible in actions, conservative in dressing, polite in speech, sensible in money matters be ever considered cool?
Naaaaaah!!! Take a chillpill dude! That’s so uncool!
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS
Its 2006. A new year has begun. The advent of a new year is supposed to be filled with hope, enthusiasm and a lot of other mumbo jumbo motivational crap about how life is great and anything is possible and we ought to know what we want and then we should work towards that dream and one day we will be there… My God! What a lot of bull.
I woke up today the same as yesterday. There was no change whatsoever in the way I looked at things or the way the world treated me. So what’s the big deal about new years anyway????
I think, I will answer my own question. At the end of every day we wait for nightfall as if 6 hours of darkness and blissful oblivion would somehow change things the next day. But all people go to bed thinking that what happened today has happened. Can’t change the past. Better look forward to the future. Tomorrow for sure will be a better day. It’s this hope that keeps us homo sapiens alive and going. Its this uncanny feeling that everything that happens happens for good and that whatever might be our current situation, things could be far worse and that there are many in this world less fortunate that us…
I hence decided that maybe the world will never treat me different and may be I don’t really know how I expect the world to treat me. But I could make a few changes in the way I treat myself. So here goes my long list of New Year resolutions.
1. I will talk less:
All that gyan about silence being golden and maunam vidwana bhushanam etc. may actually mean something. I talk a lot (obviously, hence the resolution) and I talk unnecessarily (no topic is bad for me, no person is to be spared by banter). I am not saying that I will go the silent spectator way. But at least I could think before I speak, I could measure my words, I could stop bullshitting so much. Maybe, what’s the harm in trying?
2. I will be firm:
I am quite a wishy wash kind of person. I have my own opinions and ideas, but they normally get bulldozed over by some one else’s less than brilliant ideas. Why? Because I simply don’t think it is worth the effort to either convince the other person of the worth of my idea or I myself think it is a supremely dumb idea, hence not worth anyone’s time. I also go along with the flow a lot i.e. I give in a lot to the wishes of my friends and family. All those seemingly insignificant daily stuff, apparently adds up to a lot of giving in.
3. I will take care of myself:
I spent the last 2 years expecting my parents to take time off their lives to take care of me. I expected my friend to mother me. I convinced my self that I enjoy the freedom that my life alone gives me but I am just not ready to take the responsibility.
I put on an awesome 10 kg in 4 months simply because I was too lazy to eat right and then ended up paying a months salary (at lest a good part of it) trying to get rid of that extra fat in some superspeciality health clinic.
I brood a lot – that gets me down. I think of the world and what’s generally wrong with it. I think about my family and what's bothering them. I think about my friends and the shit they are going through and that drives me into a mood that does not make me candidate for “the most wonderful person to be around” award. I realize (this realization didn’t come with the new year, I have been aware of it a long time) that there is nothing I can do to change all that and make everything better for everybody. I earn well – so maybe I can donate some of my money to charity. I can help my family and friends in whatever way I can physically and financially – sometimes just being there for them is enough. It’s their lives and I can’t live it for them and worrying myself to death is not gong to help me either.
4. Read:
There was a time when I was a devout reader. Let me be honest I have not read many classics and am not ashamed to admit that. When I moved away from home for my job, I went around buying Bronte, Dickens, Bernard Shaw (I didn’t go overboard and buy Shakespeare – but that’s was next on my list). Anyway with this collection of good books at home, I spent every waking moment I was not at office in front of TV. The last two years I have seen more of the idiot box than I have I my entire life. But as on date that became a thing of the past. I started and finished Chetan Bhagats “One night @ a call center” in 4 hours flat and did not even feel the urge to put on my TV. I then moved to reading some professional stuff and now I am writing. I am determined about this one thing. I want to be able to read again – for all that I am today is because of that one great habit of mine and I am allowing it to die on me so easily.
That’s the end of my list. It’s a short one indeed and I want desperately to be able to stick to it. The trouble is there is one thing about me that needs changing but that I am not willing to change and that is my extreme pessimism. Somehow I think it has kept me on guard and has been healthy for my life and me. Its better to be aware of your own weaknesses and to prepare yourself for the failures that you will face in life. It’s a lot less painful that way than painting up a rosy picture, working your ass off for it and then ending up in a dark alley with a dead end.
So at the end of this year when I re-read this list and don’t give myself a smirk indicating, “jerk! What were you thinking of making such a fancy wish list?” I think I will have done myself a great service.
I woke up today the same as yesterday. There was no change whatsoever in the way I looked at things or the way the world treated me. So what’s the big deal about new years anyway????
I think, I will answer my own question. At the end of every day we wait for nightfall as if 6 hours of darkness and blissful oblivion would somehow change things the next day. But all people go to bed thinking that what happened today has happened. Can’t change the past. Better look forward to the future. Tomorrow for sure will be a better day. It’s this hope that keeps us homo sapiens alive and going. Its this uncanny feeling that everything that happens happens for good and that whatever might be our current situation, things could be far worse and that there are many in this world less fortunate that us…
I hence decided that maybe the world will never treat me different and may be I don’t really know how I expect the world to treat me. But I could make a few changes in the way I treat myself. So here goes my long list of New Year resolutions.
1. I will talk less:
All that gyan about silence being golden and maunam vidwana bhushanam etc. may actually mean something. I talk a lot (obviously, hence the resolution) and I talk unnecessarily (no topic is bad for me, no person is to be spared by banter). I am not saying that I will go the silent spectator way. But at least I could think before I speak, I could measure my words, I could stop bullshitting so much. Maybe, what’s the harm in trying?
2. I will be firm:
I am quite a wishy wash kind of person. I have my own opinions and ideas, but they normally get bulldozed over by some one else’s less than brilliant ideas. Why? Because I simply don’t think it is worth the effort to either convince the other person of the worth of my idea or I myself think it is a supremely dumb idea, hence not worth anyone’s time. I also go along with the flow a lot i.e. I give in a lot to the wishes of my friends and family. All those seemingly insignificant daily stuff, apparently adds up to a lot of giving in.
3. I will take care of myself:
I spent the last 2 years expecting my parents to take time off their lives to take care of me. I expected my friend to mother me. I convinced my self that I enjoy the freedom that my life alone gives me but I am just not ready to take the responsibility.
I put on an awesome 10 kg in 4 months simply because I was too lazy to eat right and then ended up paying a months salary (at lest a good part of it) trying to get rid of that extra fat in some superspeciality health clinic.
I brood a lot – that gets me down. I think of the world and what’s generally wrong with it. I think about my family and what's bothering them. I think about my friends and the shit they are going through and that drives me into a mood that does not make me candidate for “the most wonderful person to be around” award. I realize (this realization didn’t come with the new year, I have been aware of it a long time) that there is nothing I can do to change all that and make everything better for everybody. I earn well – so maybe I can donate some of my money to charity. I can help my family and friends in whatever way I can physically and financially – sometimes just being there for them is enough. It’s their lives and I can’t live it for them and worrying myself to death is not gong to help me either.
4. Read:
There was a time when I was a devout reader. Let me be honest I have not read many classics and am not ashamed to admit that. When I moved away from home for my job, I went around buying Bronte, Dickens, Bernard Shaw (I didn’t go overboard and buy Shakespeare – but that’s was next on my list). Anyway with this collection of good books at home, I spent every waking moment I was not at office in front of TV. The last two years I have seen more of the idiot box than I have I my entire life. But as on date that became a thing of the past. I started and finished Chetan Bhagats “One night @ a call center” in 4 hours flat and did not even feel the urge to put on my TV. I then moved to reading some professional stuff and now I am writing. I am determined about this one thing. I want to be able to read again – for all that I am today is because of that one great habit of mine and I am allowing it to die on me so easily.
That’s the end of my list. It’s a short one indeed and I want desperately to be able to stick to it. The trouble is there is one thing about me that needs changing but that I am not willing to change and that is my extreme pessimism. Somehow I think it has kept me on guard and has been healthy for my life and me. Its better to be aware of your own weaknesses and to prepare yourself for the failures that you will face in life. It’s a lot less painful that way than painting up a rosy picture, working your ass off for it and then ending up in a dark alley with a dead end.
So at the end of this year when I re-read this list and don’t give myself a smirk indicating, “jerk! What were you thinking of making such a fancy wish list?” I think I will have done myself a great service.
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About Me
- methinksthat
- Mumbai product - went around the world - got hitched and escaped from the Silicon city of India to the land of glamour and royalty - London. I write every time my heart stirs......