I took the day off
today owing to my “mute”ation… this is a condition which like my periods visit me with nearly as much regularity. In this condition, my
voice if it comes out seems like that of an underworld don (not that I have
heard any in real life) and is followed by a very long bout of coughs which can
compete with any good breed of dog in volume and intensity. So amidst me trying
to not get addicted to the cough syrup and having finished two strips of Strepsils, I take a call which lands on my cell. I had got a couple of calls
from the same number earlier in the day and a call back had revealed that it is
the UK Home Office - Immigration. So the third of fourth time it came, I took
the call.. better not to piss off the immigration guys.
The following is the conversation which ensued.
Hello (in a strange hoarse whisper)
Am I speaking with Renu Menon?
Yes
I am calling from the home
office. Are you in a quiet location? (in a very severe south Asian voice)
Yes, I am. What is this regarding?
What was your date of arrival in
the UK?
5th November 2013
Do you have internet connection?
(now, I'm wondering what this is about)
Yes, I do
I want you to verify this call. Please
type www.gov.uk
on your screen. What do you see?
I see the www.gov.uk webpage
Now type home office and tell me
what do you see
I see the home office page and an article on “Home
Secretary: International action needed to tackle terrorism”
No no.. do you see the option
apply for a visa on top of the page?
Yes, I do
Scroll to the bottom of the page
where there are contact details, what is the number you see there
020 7035 4848
What is the number of your phone screen
020 7035 4848. I already know you are calling from the
home office. I called back the number after seeing missed calls from you a
couple of times before (see I was not just ignoring my work colleagues, I was
ignoring everyone)
(In an
angry tone) If you had called this number before, what
stopped you from getting in touch with me?
(In an
even tone) I didn’t know whom to ask for, you didn’t leave a voice
message with contact details the last three times you called. The options when
I called the number were numerous and confusing and I didn’t know why you had
called, so I didn’t know which option to choose. There was also no operator /
help desk option.
I am calling to let you know that I have an order for your
deportation.
Oh
Do you know that there is a legal case lodged against you in
India?
No (I just took a day off work, its not that big a deal, they
didn’t have to lodge a case against me)
Because of this case, you will be deported today.
Do you have the details of the case to share because I am not
aware of any case against me
Do you have any loans in India?
Yes
The case is on account of defaulting on a loan.
Oh, that is not possible. Both loans are active and are
serviced regularly. Neither of them have been defaulted on
When did you enter the UK?
As I told you before, on 5th November 2015
What is your passport number?
I tell
him
What is the address on your passport?
I tell
him
Do you have any other ID proof in UK other than your passport?
My UK driving license
What is the number?
I tell
him
Did you fill in a landing card when you arrived in UK
I’m sure I did
Were you under the influence of drugs or alcohol when you
filled it in?
No (now I’m getting
pissed off, I don’t care if I’m getting deported, I don’t have to take shit
from anyone)
Why did you not file your in DS2 form with the home office?
What is that?
Are you telling me that you filled in your landing card and
signed on it and didn’t even read what is on it?
I’m telling that I am not aware of any such requirement and
that I’ve been in the UK at least 4 times before this current trip and half a
dozen times after 2013 and none of these times I was required to fill up any
DS2 form. So, if I was supposed to do it and didn’t, I apologize. I can do it
now if I knew what is to be done.
We will send our team to your home to verify your documents. You
should not disconnect this call till they have finished verifying your
documents
Ok. Are they coming now?
When our team comes there if there is anything that needs to
be done to help you out, they will.
Ok
Is there anything you want to ask me or tell me now?
Can I have the details of the Indian case against me?
We don’t have the details yet, it has just come to our notice
today
What do I do about my dependents – my husband and child
Is your husband your dependent?
No. he is here on a dependent visa, he has his own job
Is he there? I need to speak to him.
No. He works in Leeds.
How many loans do you have in india?
Two
What is the balance in those loans?
I tell him
How many bank accounts do you have in India?
Two
What is the balance in these accounts?
I tell
him
How many accounts do you have in UK?
1
What is the balance in this account?
I tell
him
Do you have a credit card in UK?
No
Ok. I will now send our team to your residence to verify your
documents. Do not discuss this case with anyone till we have finished verifying
your documents
Sorry, that is not possible. I will have to let my employer
know.
That is against the law. Do you realise how serious this is?
Do you have a police station close by? I want you to go to the police station
right now without disconnecting this call.
What will that achieve?
You will give custody to the police and understand how
serious this is
I'm not doubting the seriousness of this, I just don’t understand
what you want me to do.
You will be in contravention of the law if you discuss this
case with anyone.
I’m sorry, I’m in a foreign land being threatened with
deportation without a clear reason. I have every right to legal counsel and I
will ask my employers for advice of what needs to be done. As far as I know
everything that I have done in India and in UK is as per law and hence if there
are these accusations being made, I need help to understand my next steps
Your next steps will be told to you by our officers once we
finish checking your papers. Any help needed will be provided by them. If you
tell anyone now, it will be a violation of the immigration laws and you will be
sent back immediately to India and there will be a black mark on your passport.
So what is your decision? Do you want to contravene the law?
You seem to have made up your mind to deport me anyway. So if
I land in India tomorrow, my employer has the right to know why I didn’t seek
counsel. So I’m sorry if I’m contravening the law, but I will reach out to the
legal team in my company for advice
Then do that.
Call disconnected.
This was a hoax. A couple of my colleagues have been pressurized
into paying money into provided bank accounts for making the immigration
problems go away.
Beware of such calls.
