The motherhood chronicles - IV

Some people surprise you even after long years of your association with them. In my case, I can’t claim to have a long association with him, though we’ve been married for more than 3 years now. Having spent the better part of the 3 years travelling, we do reconnect with each other on the occasions that our employers allow us to be in the same country. I have pegged him with a lot of not so desirable adjectives and was thoroughly convinced that he is just an over grown kid – completely lazy with not too overt a sense of responsibility.

So it came as a surprise, no, that’s putting it too mildly, a pleasant shock is a better term, when I saw him after my delivery. If you are a guy who sees his wife immediately after a gap of 4 months after a C-section you will understand what I mean. At around 85Kg with a bunch of stitches and acute pain with every movement, I repelled even myself. Pregnancy and delivery, contrary to common myth, is not a very enjoyable experience, at least in the early stages. So I was amazed when he was all full of affection for me. I was convinced, I was going through some kind of post partum depression and he was there by my side convincing that everything that I felt – right from the guilt at putting everyone around me to inconvenience to the feeling of desperation that life as I know it has come to end; was completely irrational and that we would get through everything just fine.

Maybe after he saw what I was going through to have given him the most precious gift that I could ever give him, he felt it was necessary to do so – maybe he was trying to do right by me.

But then it didn’t have to continue. So my amazement continued when he was always by my side when I would feed, trying to support me in whatever way he could, which was mainly by looking up the internet on his new iphone for all and sundry topics ranging from how to breast feed to what is colic & what could be done about it. He was also completely in support of using supplemental feed for the kid when I was unable to breastfeed. There were times when he would take the kid from the room where I slept in just so that I could get a few extra minutes of sleep. For a guy who wouldn’t wake up from a deep sleep even if there was an earthquake, he would come running when the kid would bawl at night. For a guy who couldn’t be bothered to move his butt off the couch to help in household chores, he would spent long hours carrying the kid, comforting her, putting her to sleep.

The kind of family structure we have in India leads to the would be mother going to her maternal house for delivery and normally staying abck there for the first few months. I haven’t heard of too many guys who keep visiting the kid in this period due to multiple reasons – one – they would have to face their mom in law too often and that is not a pleasant prospect for any guy and second – there is nothing exciting happening in a kids life in the 1st 3 months – they don’t recognize you, spend most of their time sleeping, feeding and pooping. So your presence or absence as a father really doesn’t make much of a difference. But he was determined to be around for every stage of the kids growth. For a guy for whom coming to Mumbai and living here for any extended period of time constituted the worst nightmare, the kid turned him around. He actually sought a project in Mumbai or Pune or thereabouts so that he could be closer to the kid.

His laziness in his personal life continues that he still doesn’t cook when he is alone in Bangalore and hates doing the dishes. God knows when the house was last cleaned and laundry done. Nothing else seems to have changed, but he seems to be a transformed person when he is around the kid. I have always known that there are other family members of his who take precedence over me in his life and I was cool with that – I don’t expect him to forsake his family of 30 years for his wife of 3 years. But now I guess everyone takes a back seat – only his kid takes precedence – I guess that is how it is supposed to be.

The motherhood chronicles - III

It all started with an important occasion – mom’s 56th birthday on 21st April. I had a Doc’s appointment scheduled for the same day. We planned to go lunching and shopping after the appointment. I was still contemplating on what gift I could get her and had frozen on a portable music system which I could get from Chembur market. It was all planned out when fate decided to intervene. The day finally ended in tears with my mom getting her most prized gift of all – a grandchild.

All occasions since then have been blurred.

A few days after Nandu was born, I got a call from my Mom’s best friend wishing me Happy Mother’s day and for a few seconds I didn’t know how to react. Mother’s day was reserved for me wishing my mom and getting her a card or something – not that I actually remembered it ever. Thanks for TOI for reminding us of such mindless occasions promptly, as if I needed a day to tell my mom that I loved and respected her.

Then came my birthday on 13th May. It was my 1st birthday since I gained memory that I didn’t receive a gift on. No new clothes, no surprise gifts, no eating out – nothing. A bunch of well wishers did call to wish me and I enjoyed the attention shifting back on me, albeit for just a day. I guess all birthdays for a long time will be a replica of this one. And to top it all, it was my 30th. The one where I’m supposed to go over the hill. Anyway, I was more under the hill than over it.

18th May was Nandu’s big day. She turned 28 days old on 18th. As per our traditions, it was her 1st birthday. And we celebrated it in style. Our closest relatives, all of mom’s dear friends, neighbours from our society, a few old family friends – all turned up. Nandu was not in her best form on the day. She was a bit sick and spend her time partly puking and partly sleeping. I was happy to be among so many people again and though there were more enquiries about Nandu than me, it still felt good to be back among people and not encaged at home with no other thoughts than about Nandu and her feeds and her health and her sleep. It may be because of this attitude of mine that I over heard someone say, “What a mother, utterly no concern for the child.” Did it hurt to hear that - of course it did. Did I contest the comment – no I didn’t. The child had been puking and as I am generally considered incapable of handling the child, she was not brought to me for anything other than feeding. She was in the safe hands of my aunt and I trusting my aunt more than myself, saw no reason to be concerned or fawing over Nandu and basically not to be enjoying myself. I guess, you lose the right to enjoy yourself or think of yourself once you have a child. If you have any such selfish thought, you are branded an unfit mother. Anyway, the lowest point of the day came a couple of days later when we got the photos of the occasion and I realized that there was not a single photo of me with Nandu. There were photos with my parents, my aunt, my inlaws and even photos with my hubby. None with me – other than a consolation prize kind of photo where I was standing next to my hubby who was holding her with my hand strategically place beneath her as if to justify my existence in the photo.

The month ended with my parents 31st wedding anniversary on 24th May. A day as ordinary as it gets. It was exactly like 23rd and 25th May.

The only occasions that would dominate our lives for the next 15-20 years will have something or the other to do with Nandu. I guess all I can do is to hope and pray that all those occasions be happy ones.